New Center Opened to Treat Adventist Extremist Addictions

BY JOHN YOSSARIAN

LOMA LINDA, CA—The Adventist Center for Moderation recently opened in Loma Linda in an effort to fight the growing problem of extremist substance abuse. Although there is no way of determining exact amounts of church members who struggle with these extremist addictions, interviews with scores of pastors, conference officials, independent ministries directors and laypeople indicate an alarming amount of substance abuse.

Virginia Man Passionate Advocate for Return to What He Imagines Adventist History to Be

BY MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR

RAPIDAN, VA—Driven by the desire to do something about what he sees as administrative and organizational heresies in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, Virginia resident Calvin Sitter is a vehement defender of a theologically unified, doctrinally set, golden-age version of pioneer-led Adventist history that exists solely in his mind.

BodyScanX Fully Functional in Berrien Springs SDA Church After Adjustments

BY CHIEF WHITE HALFOAT

BERRIEN SPRINGS—Leaders of the Berrien Springs SDA Church were pleased to announce Saturday that its BodyScanX is now fully functional. The aid to enforcing church standards is humming away in proper form and enhancing the spiritual atmosphere.

Preacher Junk Filter Tops Sales in Apple App Store

BY HUNGRY JOE

CUPERTINO, CA—For the second straight week, the Preacher Junk Filter has topped the Apple App Store’s Religion category as Adventist parishioners worldwide downloaded thousands of copies of the app, which allows users to skip the verbose, pendulous, self-promoting amalgamation of random stories, jokes, and fluffy theological heft that pastors are fond of inserting at the beginning of the sermon.