Seminarians Sweep First Annual Berrien Springs Library Book Report Contest

BY MIKHAIL BAKHTIN

BERRIEN SPRINGS-In a completely unexpected twist, students from the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary swept the first annual Berrien Springs Community Library Book Report Contest, winning the Grand Prize, First, Second, and Third Prizes, as well as all four honorable mentions.

Satan Announces Successful Completion of Week of Atheism

BY BREVARD CHILDS

BERRIEN SPRINGS-Satan proudly announced the success of the annual Week of Atheism which took place last week. The goal was to torment seminarians and devise a cunning new plan for them to curse God.

Seminarians Celebrate God's Faithful Provision of Latest Smartphones

BY JULIA KRISTEVA

BERRIEN SPRINGS-The collective student body of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary gathered Friday night for a special service of praise and thanksgiving to God Almighty who was once again faithful to provide the latest Apple, RIM, or Android smartphones to his humble servants this year.

Study Finds Wearing Replica Jerseys Increases Diva Tendencies

BY CHERYL EXUM

BERRIEN SPRINGS-A recent study of soccer player behavior at Andrews University during intramurals showed a direct correlation between replica jerseys and prima donna tendencies. The jerseys however had no effect on improving ability, sportsmanship and skill.