Symposium Scholars Lecture God on Biblical History

BY GARM THE HOSTAGE

LONDON—A recent Biblical Historical Studies Symposium in London brought together the best theological thinkers and God to discuss the historicity of biblical events. God received the invitation thinking that he was going to make several presentations but was taken by surprise upon arriving at the Symposium.

Annual Game of C-R-E-E-D between Wilson and Benedict Currently Tied

BY THE MALTESE CAT

VATICAN CITY—In what analysts and commentators are describing as an exciting, twist-filled competition, Ted Wilson and Pope Benedict XVI are currently locked in a dead tie in their annual basketball-based game of C-R-E-E-D.

Seminary Graduates Exceptionally Qualified to Take Care of Adventists

BY PENFENTENYOU

BERRIEN SPRINGS—Graduates from the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary are exceptionally well-qualified to serve the one million Adventists in North America, according to a comprehensive competency analysis conducted by the Andrews University School of Business and Administration.

Old Pastor Successfully Completes Legacy Campaign

BY ABU HUSSEIN

SEATTLE—Old Pastor announced the successful completion of his Legacy Campaign three months prior to the arrival of New Pastor. The campaign took place with the intensity of an outgoing second-term president as Old Pastor sought to remind his members of his potential future contribution to the church if he remained there.