This is the last print edition of The Soy Dog. We love the Seventh-day Adventist Church, the people within, and are content to live with organizational idiosyncrasies. The views we expressed weren’t always our own. We hope we’ve made you laugh a few times over the past five months.
You can follow us at www.thesoydog.com, where we’ll continue to post new stories occasionally. If you wish to address issues in the church, can write satire in the style of The Onion and The Daily Show, and don’t mind being anonymous, we’d love to have you write for us. Our contact email is thesoydog@gmail.com. With enough writers, it may be possible to continue a print edition.
Thanks again for reading, and Merry Christmas to all.
December 08, 2010
The Soy Dog From the Future: Headlines, 2010-2040
The world goes round and round...
- Adventist Conservatives Flex Muscle in 2010 General Conference Session
- La Sierra Closes its Biology, Religion Department on Anniversary of President Ted Wilson's Election, Affirms Six Day Literal Creation
- Adventist Church Wins Lawsuit, Gains Control of Adventist Today, Spectrum, and the Association of Adventist Forums
December 4, 2040: Reports Confirm Teaching of Six-Day-Literal Creation at Southern; Church Leaders Outraged
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Conference officials, college presidents, and other church officials unanimously condemned Southern Adventist University this week, after fresh reports emerged that the university has been openly teaching a normative six-day-literal creation in contrast to current church fundamental beliefs.
October 25, 2050: Tommy Wright-Wilson Orders Start of War on La Sierra
RIVERSIDE, CA—La Sierra University collapsed in a matter of hours as conservative units marched swiftly through Riverwalk Parkway as marines toppled the Fountain of Grace statue and ransacked campus buildings.
July 27, 2055: Moderates Suffer Casualties in Adventist Civil War
SILVER SPRING, MD—The number of moderate, lay Adventist casualties continued to climb in the first half of the year. The increase in deaths has been attributed to continuing cross-fire between liberals and conservatives, killing innocent bystanders.
December 7, 2060: United States, United Nations to Deploy Global Peacekeeping force to End Adventist Civil War; Pope and Other Church Leaders to Advise
NEW YORK—The United Nations Monday approved the creation of a peacekeeping mission to end the globe-spanning civil war between conservatives and liberals in the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
November 24, 2010
November 16, 2010
La Sierra University Breaks Levee, Unleashes Flood From Lake Conservatism
BY ONE FISH
RIVERSIDE, CA—Several weeks after chipping away at the levee containing Lake Conservatism, water broke through yesterday and virtually submerged and isolated La Sierra University, causing incalculable destruction and shutting down the school.
RIVERSIDE, CA—Several weeks after chipping away at the levee containing Lake Conservatism, water broke through yesterday and virtually submerged and isolated La Sierra University, causing incalculable destruction and shutting down the school.
Students, Faculty Shocked, Awed, and Scrambling After Holy Spirit Catches Away Dr. Rodney Meyer Right in the Middle of a Semester
BY TWO FISH
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Students and faculty at the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary are still reeling in awe and wonder over the sudden disappearance of Dr. Rodney Meyer, a professor from the Department of World Mission, who was abruptly caught away by the Holy Spirit and removed from Andrews University last week.
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Students and faculty at the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary are still reeling in awe and wonder over the sudden disappearance of Dr. Rodney Meyer, a professor from the Department of World Mission, who was abruptly caught away by the Holy Spirit and removed from Andrews University last week.
Vigilante Adventist Group Experiencing Great Results After Utilizing Voodoo Priest to Curse their Enemies
BY RED FISH
CHICAGO, IL—A conservative vigilante Adventist group concerned with holding leaders within the Adventist church accountable is reporting great success after utilizing the skill of a voodoo priest to curse their liberal enemies.
CHICAGO, IL—A conservative vigilante Adventist group concerned with holding leaders within the Adventist church accountable is reporting great success after utilizing the skill of a voodoo priest to curse their liberal enemies.
Mass Mailing of Great Controversy Helps Silver Spring Landfill Meet Biodegradable Quota
BY BLUE FISH
SILVER SPRING, MD—The Silver Spring Landfill thanked the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists today for helping them make their required allotment of biodegradable material. The landfill’s biodegradable level had been hovering at a dangerous 35% which was becoming an environmental hazard.
But the director for the Silver Springs landfill was relieved when he heard about the General Conference’s plans to deliver copies of The Great Controversy to 22,000 homes in the 20904 postal code area.
SILVER SPRING, MD—The Silver Spring Landfill thanked the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists today for helping them make their required allotment of biodegradable material. The landfill’s biodegradable level had been hovering at a dangerous 35% which was becoming an environmental hazard.
But the director for the Silver Springs landfill was relieved when he heard about the General Conference’s plans to deliver copies of The Great Controversy to 22,000 homes in the 20904 postal code area.
November 09, 2010
New Center Opened to Treat Adventist Extremist Addictions
BY JOHN YOSSARIAN
LOMA LINDA, CA—The Adventist Center for Moderation recently opened in Loma Linda in an effort to fight the growing problem of extremist substance abuse. Although there is no way of determining exact amounts of church members who struggle with these extremist addictions, interviews with scores of pastors, conference officials, independent ministries directors and laypeople indicate an alarming amount of substance abuse.
LOMA LINDA, CA—The Adventist Center for Moderation recently opened in Loma Linda in an effort to fight the growing problem of extremist substance abuse. Although there is no way of determining exact amounts of church members who struggle with these extremist addictions, interviews with scores of pastors, conference officials, independent ministries directors and laypeople indicate an alarming amount of substance abuse.
Virginia Man Passionate Advocate for Return to What He Imagines Adventist History to Be
BY MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR
RAPIDAN, VA—Driven by the desire to do something about what he sees as administrative and organizational heresies in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, Virginia resident Calvin Sitter is a vehement defender of a theologically unified, doctrinally set, golden-age version of pioneer-led Adventist history that exists solely in his mind.
RAPIDAN, VA—Driven by the desire to do something about what he sees as administrative and organizational heresies in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, Virginia resident Calvin Sitter is a vehement defender of a theologically unified, doctrinally set, golden-age version of pioneer-led Adventist history that exists solely in his mind.
BodyScanX Fully Functional in Berrien Springs SDA Church After Adjustments
BY CHIEF WHITE HALFOAT
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Leaders of the Berrien Springs SDA Church were pleased to announce Saturday that its BodyScanX is now fully functional. The aid to enforcing church standards is humming away in proper form and enhancing the spiritual atmosphere.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Leaders of the Berrien Springs SDA Church were pleased to announce Saturday that its BodyScanX is now fully functional. The aid to enforcing church standards is humming away in proper form and enhancing the spiritual atmosphere.
Preacher Junk Filter Tops Sales in Apple App Store
BY HUNGRY JOE
CUPERTINO, CA—For the second straight week, the Preacher Junk Filter has topped the Apple App Store’s Religion category as Adventist parishioners worldwide downloaded thousands of copies of the app, which allows users to skip the verbose, pendulous, self-promoting amalgamation of random stories, jokes, and fluffy theological heft that pastors are fond of inserting at the beginning of the sermon.
CUPERTINO, CA—For the second straight week, the Preacher Junk Filter has topped the Apple App Store’s Religion category as Adventist parishioners worldwide downloaded thousands of copies of the app, which allows users to skip the verbose, pendulous, self-promoting amalgamation of random stories, jokes, and fluffy theological heft that pastors are fond of inserting at the beginning of the sermon.
November 02, 2010
Michael White III Wins Conference Sponsorship Election
BY FATHER ZOSIMA
FEDERAL WAY, WA—Running on a platform of “Uh, hi, I’m Michael White III, and I was thinking about going into ministry, you know,” Michael White III won the Puget Sound Conference of Seventh-day Adventist’s sponsorship to the Seminary by unanimous vote Monday.
FEDERAL WAY, WA—Running on a platform of “Uh, hi, I’m Michael White III, and I was thinking about going into ministry, you know,” Michael White III won the Puget Sound Conference of Seventh-day Adventist’s sponsorship to the Seminary by unanimous vote Monday.
Dr. Choi Losing Public Relations, Image Battle; Still Polls Poorly
BY SMERDYAKOV
BERRIEN SPRINGS— In his sermon, “For I’m a Man” Dr. Richard Choi self-deprecatingly bemoans his lack of wisdom in comparison with revered Old Testament scholar, Dr. Jacques Doukhan. He also declares that he’s no preacher only to deliver a clear, well-thought and meaningful message. But it’s not his self-perceived “lack of wisdom” or lack of homiletical ability that should concern Dr. Choi. Instead, he’s struggling with the narrative battle.
BERRIEN SPRINGS— In his sermon, “For I’m a Man” Dr. Richard Choi self-deprecatingly bemoans his lack of wisdom in comparison with revered Old Testament scholar, Dr. Jacques Doukhan. He also declares that he’s no preacher only to deliver a clear, well-thought and meaningful message. But it’s not his self-perceived “lack of wisdom” or lack of homiletical ability that should concern Dr. Choi. Instead, he’s struggling with the narrative battle.
Silver Spring SDA Korean SDA Church Grows Beautiful, Multi-Colored Garden instead of Homogenous Yellow One
BY STINKING LIZAVETA
SILVER SPRING, MD—It started with a single daisy four years ago, a white flower that bloomed out of nowhere in the middle of a small, homogenous garden of yellow daffodils at the Silver Spring Korean Seventh-day Adventist Church.
SILVER SPRING, MD—It started with a single daisy four years ago, a white flower that bloomed out of nowhere in the middle of a small, homogenous garden of yellow daffodils at the Silver Spring Korean Seventh-day Adventist Church.
Revelation Seminar Brings Only One Convert, but It’s OK since He’s a Billionaire
BY GRUSHENKA
DIABLO VALLEY—A recent Revelation seminar in Diablo Valley SDA Church concluded with the baptism of one individual. The series wasn’t elaborate with the church spending a total of $25,000 on flyers, banners, posters and mailers. Many members were skeptical about the series due to the investment in comparison to the relative size of the church.
DIABLO VALLEY—A recent Revelation seminar in Diablo Valley SDA Church concluded with the baptism of one individual. The series wasn’t elaborate with the church spending a total of $25,000 on flyers, banners, posters and mailers. Many members were skeptical about the series due to the investment in comparison to the relative size of the church.
October 26, 2010
Symposium Scholars Lecture God on Biblical History
BY GARM THE HOSTAGE
LONDON—A recent Biblical Historical Studies Symposium in London brought together the best theological thinkers and God to discuss the historicity of biblical events. God received the invitation thinking that he was going to make several presentations but was taken by surprise upon arriving at the Symposium.
LONDON—A recent Biblical Historical Studies Symposium in London brought together the best theological thinkers and God to discuss the historicity of biblical events. God received the invitation thinking that he was going to make several presentations but was taken by surprise upon arriving at the Symposium.
Annual Game of C-R-E-E-D between Wilson and Benedict Currently Tied
BY THE MALTESE CAT
VATICAN CITY—In what analysts and commentators are describing as an exciting, twist-filled competition, Ted Wilson and Pope Benedict XVI are currently locked in a dead tie in their annual basketball-based game of C-R-E-E-D.
VATICAN CITY—In what analysts and commentators are describing as an exciting, twist-filled competition, Ted Wilson and Pope Benedict XVI are currently locked in a dead tie in their annual basketball-based game of C-R-E-E-D.
Seminary Graduates Exceptionally Qualified to Take Care of Adventists
BY PENFENTENYOU
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Graduates from the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary are exceptionally well-qualified to serve the one million Adventists in North America, according to a comprehensive competency analysis conducted by the Andrews University School of Business and Administration.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Graduates from the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary are exceptionally well-qualified to serve the one million Adventists in North America, according to a comprehensive competency analysis conducted by the Andrews University School of Business and Administration.
Old Pastor Successfully Completes Legacy Campaign
BY ABU HUSSEIN
SEATTLE—Old Pastor announced the successful completion of his Legacy Campaign three months prior to the arrival of New Pastor. The campaign took place with the intensity of an outgoing second-term president as Old Pastor sought to remind his members of his potential future contribution to the church if he remained there.
SEATTLE—Old Pastor announced the successful completion of his Legacy Campaign three months prior to the arrival of New Pastor. The campaign took place with the intensity of an outgoing second-term president as Old Pastor sought to remind his members of his potential future contribution to the church if he remained there.
October 19, 2010
God Perceived to Speak Exclusively Through Popular Culture, Study Finds
BY JACQUES DERRIDA
BERRIEN SPRINGS—A study commissioned among 800 youth and progressive pastors found that the majority of the group perceived that God speaks exclusively through pop culture media such as viral videos, pop artists and sports figures. These pastors were also happy to provide multiple examples of God’s perceived, new revelation.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—A study commissioned among 800 youth and progressive pastors found that the majority of the group perceived that God speaks exclusively through pop culture media such as viral videos, pop artists and sports figures. These pastors were also happy to provide multiple examples of God’s perceived, new revelation.
Educate Truth Obsessed with Southern California Woman
BY G. ERNEST WRIGHT
RIVERSIDE—La Sierra, a young woman, commutes to her local college every day like most women her age. Unlike most young women however, she has a stalker. The middle-aged man stalking her, who moonlights as an English teacher, prefers to be addressed by his AIM screen-name, Educate Truth.
RIVERSIDE—La Sierra, a young woman, commutes to her local college every day like most women her age. Unlike most young women however, she has a stalker. The middle-aged man stalking her, who moonlights as an English teacher, prefers to be addressed by his AIM screen-name, Educate Truth.
Classroom Discussion Groups 1, 3, 4, 5, and 6 Celebrate Escaping the Presence of That One Guy; Discussion Group 2 Mourns
BY SEROLF FLORES
SEMINARY—In the immediate aftermath of a numerical countoff to determine the composition of discussion groups for the rest of the class period, members of Groups 1, 3, 4, 5, and 6 are exuberantly celebrating their escape from being assigned to the same group that That One Guy is in.
SEMINARY—In the immediate aftermath of a numerical countoff to determine the composition of discussion groups for the rest of the class period, members of Groups 1, 3, 4, 5, and 6 are exuberantly celebrating their escape from being assigned to the same group that That One Guy is in.
Side Effect of Required Chapel Services is Mastery of Transcendental Mediation Techniques; Maharishi Foundation Accredits Seminary
BY MIK KIM
SEMINARY—Citing the exceptional results produced by a naturally conducive atmosphere in the Seminary’s required chapel attendance program, the Maharishi Foundation USA Monday accredited the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary as an authorized instructional institution of the technique of Transcendental Mediation.
SEMINARY—Citing the exceptional results produced by a naturally conducive atmosphere in the Seminary’s required chapel attendance program, the Maharishi Foundation USA Monday accredited the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary as an authorized instructional institution of the technique of Transcendental Mediation.
October 13, 2010
October 05, 2010
Seminarians Sweep First Annual Berrien Springs Library Book Report Contest
BY MIKHAIL BAKHTIN
BERRIEN SPRINGS-In a completely unexpected twist, students from the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary swept the first annual Berrien Springs Community Library Book Report Contest, winning the Grand Prize, First, Second, and Third Prizes, as well as all four honorable mentions.
BERRIEN SPRINGS-In a completely unexpected twist, students from the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary swept the first annual Berrien Springs Community Library Book Report Contest, winning the Grand Prize, First, Second, and Third Prizes, as well as all four honorable mentions.
Satan Announces Successful Completion of Week of Atheism
BY BREVARD CHILDS
BERRIEN SPRINGS-Satan proudly announced the success of the annual Week of Atheism which took place last week. The goal was to torment seminarians and devise a cunning new plan for them to curse God.
BERRIEN SPRINGS-Satan proudly announced the success of the annual Week of Atheism which took place last week. The goal was to torment seminarians and devise a cunning new plan for them to curse God.
Seminarians Celebrate God's Faithful Provision of Latest Smartphones
BY JULIA KRISTEVA
BERRIEN SPRINGS-The collective student body of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary gathered Friday night for a special service of praise and thanksgiving to God Almighty who was once again faithful to provide the latest Apple, RIM, or Android smartphones to his humble servants this year.
BERRIEN SPRINGS-The collective student body of the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary gathered Friday night for a special service of praise and thanksgiving to God Almighty who was once again faithful to provide the latest Apple, RIM, or Android smartphones to his humble servants this year.
Study Finds Wearing Replica Jerseys Increases Diva Tendencies
BY CHERYL EXUM
BERRIEN SPRINGS-A recent study of soccer player behavior at Andrews University during intramurals showed a direct correlation between replica jerseys and prima donna tendencies. The jerseys however had no effect on improving ability, sportsmanship and skill.
BERRIEN SPRINGS-A recent study of soccer player behavior at Andrews University during intramurals showed a direct correlation between replica jerseys and prima donna tendencies. The jerseys however had no effect on improving ability, sportsmanship and skill.
September 28, 2010
Seminary Extends Day and Week to Facilitate Academic Honesty
BY MOKHTAR KARIM
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The SDA Theological Seminary have announced plans to extend the week by another day and extend the day to thirty-six hours in an effort to help seminarians finish all assignments in a timely and honest manner. Professors noticed that many seminarians had been lying about their assigned reading.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The SDA Theological Seminary have announced plans to extend the week by another day and extend the day to thirty-six hours in an effort to help seminarians finish all assignments in a timely and honest manner. Professors noticed that many seminarians had been lying about their assigned reading.
Famous International Speaker Maintains Grueling Guest Lecture Series every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in Seminary
BY LI JINLIAN
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In every corner there are unsung heroes waiting to be exposed.
For the past two decades, the Famous International Speaker has maintained a self-sacrificing career, flying around the globe to speak and share his expertise at universities, churches, and large events, pausing only long enough to write a book or two and research the next appointment. But for the last ten years, he has also taken it upon himself to maintain a guest lectureship at the Seminary three days a week.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In every corner there are unsung heroes waiting to be exposed.
For the past two decades, the Famous International Speaker has maintained a self-sacrificing career, flying around the globe to speak and share his expertise at universities, churches, and large events, pausing only long enough to write a book or two and research the next appointment. But for the last ten years, he has also taken it upon himself to maintain a guest lectureship at the Seminary three days a week.
Estranged Adventist Couple Bicker over Child
BY JACOB EVERETT
SILVER SPRINGS—For several years, Bri and Spec White have been locked in a bitter battle over their son, Genesis. The couple have spent the last few years painting unflattering images of one another as bad parents. Their marriage was always tense with Bri accusing Spec of being too open while her husband countered that she was too old-school.
SILVER SPRINGS—For several years, Bri and Spec White have been locked in a bitter battle over their son, Genesis. The couple have spent the last few years painting unflattering images of one another as bad parents. Their marriage was always tense with Bri accusing Spec of being too open while her husband countered that she was too old-school.
Berrien Springs SDA Church Mourns Loss of 25 Potential Seating Spots after Visit by Evangelist
BY STANLEY MATTHEWS
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Though one year has passed since he visited, members of the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist church are still angry at evangelist Ray Closet, whose presence resulted in the loss of 25 potential seating spaces in the sanctuary on each Sabbath morning, as well as the loss of eight potential parking spaces in the lot.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Though one year has passed since he visited, members of the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist church are still angry at evangelist Ray Closet, whose presence resulted in the loss of 25 potential seating spaces in the sanctuary on each Sabbath morning, as well as the loss of eight potential parking spaces in the lot.
September 21, 2010
Parisitologist Accidentally Booked to Speak at Adventist Forum; Results Still the Same
BY ROB RIGGLE
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Despite the fact that a booking error sent Dr. Nahill Kholar, from the New York University Department of Medical and Molecular Parisitology, to the last meeting of the Berrien Springs Adventist Forum instead of Dr. A. Gregory Schneider, from the Pacific Union College Religion Department, Forum members reported being stimulated and enthralled by the presentation last Sabbath.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Despite the fact that a booking error sent Dr. Nahill Kholar, from the New York University Department of Medical and Molecular Parisitology, to the last meeting of the Berrien Springs Adventist Forum instead of Dr. A. Gregory Schneider, from the Pacific Union College Religion Department, Forum members reported being stimulated and enthralled by the presentation last Sabbath.
Adventist Vegetarianism is the Best Way for Overweight People to Feel Good About Themselves
BY ROB CORDDRY
LOMA LINDA—Adventist Vegetarianism is far and away the best method for overweight and obese people to find security, happiness, and acceptance of their body image, a new study finds.
LOMA LINDA—Adventist Vegetarianism is far and away the best method for overweight and obese people to find security, happiness, and acceptance of their body image, a new study finds.
Loud Minority Pushes Canonizing Newspapers
BY JASON JONES
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Loud Minority is pushing the Seventh-day Adventist Church to recognize newspapers as part of the official canon. Their increasingly shrill voices have urged the General Conference to convene a special session confirming the canonicity of newspapers. According to Loud Minority, newspaper articles give their imagination the freedom to run wild when interpreting the Bible. Keeping up with current events also allows them to read their preconceived notions into Scripture.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Loud Minority is pushing the Seventh-day Adventist Church to recognize newspapers as part of the official canon. Their increasingly shrill voices have urged the General Conference to convene a special session confirming the canonicity of newspapers. According to Loud Minority, newspaper articles give their imagination the freedom to run wild when interpreting the Bible. Keeping up with current events also allows them to read their preconceived notions into Scripture.
Scientists Discover Adventists With Undeveloped Ears
BY OLIVIA MUNN
LOMA LINDA—Scientists have discovered troglobite-like Seventh-day Adventists with undeveloped ears across the United States. Thirty years after the General Conference Session in 2010, these Adventists appear to have inner ears which have lost the ability to detect sound waves.
LOMA LINDA—Scientists have discovered troglobite-like Seventh-day Adventists with undeveloped ears across the United States. Thirty years after the General Conference Session in 2010, these Adventists appear to have inner ears which have lost the ability to detect sound waves.
September 14, 2010
Evangelist Celebrates Shredding Local Culture
BY ABDUL HAKEEM
BANGALORE— Noted evangelist, Douglas Beam, celebrated the completion of his evangelistic series yesterday in Bangalore. Pastor Beam, as he prefers to be called, spent ten days preaching his Euro-centric version of Seventh-day Adventism and was pleased to report of several conversions from his campaign. For those listening to his message, Beam was considered a “liberator” who shined “new light” on their previously “uncivilized” state of ignorance.
BANGALORE— Noted evangelist, Douglas Beam, celebrated the completion of his evangelistic series yesterday in Bangalore. Pastor Beam, as he prefers to be called, spent ten days preaching his Euro-centric version of Seventh-day Adventism and was pleased to report of several conversions from his campaign. For those listening to his message, Beam was considered a “liberator” who shined “new light” on their previously “uncivilized” state of ignorance.
Members Turn to Medical Prescriptions for Spiritual Nourishment
BY JEAN-CLAUDE DUMIEVE
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Church members have increasingly begun turning to medical prescriptions for spiritual nourishment. In what is rapidly becoming a trend among the worldwide church, members are reading these doctors’ prescriptions in an effort to get objective instructions for their daily life. Church members wearied by the apparent long-windedness of literature now seek these prescriptions for spiritual instruction due to its straightforward nature.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Church members have increasingly begun turning to medical prescriptions for spiritual nourishment. In what is rapidly becoming a trend among the worldwide church, members are reading these doctors’ prescriptions in an effort to get objective instructions for their daily life. Church members wearied by the apparent long-windedness of literature now seek these prescriptions for spiritual instruction due to its straightforward nature.
Researchers Discover Previously Overlooked MSSN, Now Face Additional Study Time
BY LASSANA ALIOU
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Researchers cataloguing wildlife in the Andrews University Bulletin were shocked Monday by the discovery of MSSN, a small, strange beast that they had hitherto overlooked in their studies. The discovery happened at 10:21 pm on Monday evening, during a routine perusal of the Bulletin in preparation for the completion of the study.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Researchers cataloguing wildlife in the Andrews University Bulletin were shocked Monday by the discovery of MSSN, a small, strange beast that they had hitherto overlooked in their studies. The discovery happened at 10:21 pm on Monday evening, during a routine perusal of the Bulletin in preparation for the completion of the study.
Seminarian's Wife Divorces Seminarian Over Unbalanced Ratio of Theory to Practicality
BY JANELLE ORCZY
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Citing reasons of “Practical Ineptitude,” Sandra Danielson, wife of recent Seminary graduate Brian Danielson, has filed for divorce less than one month after the couple’s marriage.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Citing reasons of “Practical Ineptitude,” Sandra Danielson, wife of recent Seminary graduate Brian Danielson, has filed for divorce less than one month after the couple’s marriage.
September 06, 2010
Investigation Continues over Death of Holy Spirit at Berrien Springs SDA Church
BY STUART ROBERTS
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Police Saturday continued their investigation into the circumstances surrounding the death of the Holy Spirit in the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church.
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Police Saturday continued their investigation into the circumstances surrounding the death of the Holy Spirit in the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church.
Black Worship Services Still Primary Means of African-American Social Networking
BY ISRAEL THOMAS
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—With well over 500 million users worldwide, Facebook is now the default service of choice for people who wish to post updates about their lives. But the popular social networking site has yet to make inroads on one demographic. According to a new study released this week, an overwhelming majority of African American Adventists still prefer to use Black Worship Service as their main means of social networking.
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—With well over 500 million users worldwide, Facebook is now the default service of choice for people who wish to post updates about their lives. But the popular social networking site has yet to make inroads on one demographic. According to a new study released this week, an overwhelming majority of African American Adventists still prefer to use Black Worship Service as their main means of social networking.
Mission Report Society Lobbies God to Preserve Monopoly on Divine Providence
BY ESTEBAN VALDES
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—The Mission Report Society has enjoyed a long and fruitful relationship with God over the past hundred years since the founding of the Adventist Church. Their exclusive contract with God means only the prayers, requests and supplications of MRS clients are answered. Recently, God has been bucking that trend by invoking the little-known Matthew 5.45 clause. In response to this recent development, the MRS sent representatives to the divine court to extend the contract keeping rights to divine providence exclusive to missionaries.
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—The Mission Report Society has enjoyed a long and fruitful relationship with God over the past hundred years since the founding of the Adventist Church. Their exclusive contract with God means only the prayers, requests and supplications of MRS clients are answered. Recently, God has been bucking that trend by invoking the little-known Matthew 5.45 clause. In response to this recent development, the MRS sent representatives to the divine court to extend the contract keeping rights to divine providence exclusive to missionaries.
Adventist Worship Service Yet to Come Out as Liturgical
BY JACK WORSLEY
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Despite recent societal trends in the church that make liturgical behaviour more acceptable, and the fact that everyone knows that he is liturgical, Adventist Worship Service has not yet come out.
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Despite recent societal trends in the church that make liturgical behaviour more acceptable, and the fact that everyone knows that he is liturgical, Adventist Worship Service has not yet come out.
August 31, 2010
Daniel Forrester: I Make No Apologies For Giving My Son A Hard Time
BY GARY LARSON
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Berrien County prosecutors formally filed charges of Assault of Child, First Degree against Daniel Forrester on Monday, following his arrest last week at his Beechwood apartment.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Berrien County prosecutors formally filed charges of Assault of Child, First Degree against Daniel Forrester on Monday, following his arrest last week at his Beechwood apartment.
NADCI Announces Curriculum of Fall Clerical School
BY BILL AMEND
BERRIEN SPRINGS—From its inception in Chicago in the late ‘50s to its multi-site span today, the North American Division Clerical Institute has successfully taught hundreds of potential clergy the church clerical skills necessary to support the presence of a famous evangelist. This year, Clerk School sessions will be held in several locations across the United States, including Indianapolis, Boise, South Bend, and Washington D.C. Dr. Reinhold Cuzzle, director of NADCI recently sat down with The Soy Dog to discuss the curriculum for Clerk School this Fall.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—From its inception in Chicago in the late ‘50s to its multi-site span today, the North American Division Clerical Institute has successfully taught hundreds of potential clergy the church clerical skills necessary to support the presence of a famous evangelist. This year, Clerk School sessions will be held in several locations across the United States, including Indianapolis, Boise, South Bend, and Washington D.C. Dr. Reinhold Cuzzle, director of NADCI recently sat down with The Soy Dog to discuss the curriculum for Clerk School this Fall.
Grandville Residents Mystified by Man Who Wanders Aimlessly Around Town
BY CHARLES SCHULZ
GRANDVILLE, MI—Robert Belle, a 40-year-old man interred at the Marshill Mental Health Institute, temporarily escaped again yesterday, surprising and mystifying Grandville residents as he wandered through town. As is his custom, Belle shuffled alone through various scenes in the city—driveways, coffee shops, the beach, the airport, and even someone’s living room—while eloquating theological sayings in personal conversations to imaginary friends at each location. Belle was described as wearing black plastic-rimmed glasses and clothes more appropriate for someone in their 20s. In addition to his imaginary discourses, witnesses reported that Belle frequently uttered the sound “New-Mah.”
GRANDVILLE, MI—Robert Belle, a 40-year-old man interred at the Marshill Mental Health Institute, temporarily escaped again yesterday, surprising and mystifying Grandville residents as he wandered through town. As is his custom, Belle shuffled alone through various scenes in the city—driveways, coffee shops, the beach, the airport, and even someone’s living room—while eloquating theological sayings in personal conversations to imaginary friends at each location. Belle was described as wearing black plastic-rimmed glasses and clothes more appropriate for someone in their 20s. In addition to his imaginary discourses, witnesses reported that Belle frequently uttered the sound “New-Mah.”
Arts Connoisseurs, Students Continue to Clash over Installation of Five Dimension 2521s by Modern Artist Dell
BY BILL WATTERSON
BERRIEN SPRINGS—One decade after its installation, the sculpture Five Dimension 2521s, by renowned modern artist Dell, continues to draw controversy within the seminary.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—One decade after its installation, the sculpture Five Dimension 2521s, by renowned modern artist Dell, continues to draw controversy within the seminary.
August 24, 2010
Undergrad Assumes All Seminarians are Creeps, Want to Hit On Her
BY L.M. MONTGOMERY
BERRIEN SPRINGS—After friends and family fed her prejudice about the perils of desperate, lurking seminarians, Janice Avery, an arriving freshman to Andrews University, made a solemn pact with herself that she wouldn’t date anyone in the Seminary. Avery, 18, took the task to heart, managing to avoid all seminarian contact during her first few weeks, until her decision to attend Fusion.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—After friends and family fed her prejudice about the perils of desperate, lurking seminarians, Janice Avery, an arriving freshman to Andrews University, made a solemn pact with herself that she wouldn’t date anyone in the Seminary. Avery, 18, took the task to heart, managing to avoid all seminarian contact during her first few weeks, until her decision to attend Fusion.
Andrews Undergraduate Community Sacrifices Twelve Virgins in 51st Annual Ritual of Seminarian Appeasement
BY JOSEPH HELLER
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The Andrews University Undergraduate Community silently and solemnly marked its 51st annual Ritual of Seminarian Appeasement on Monday night, sacrificing twelve of their young virgins to the Seminary, to become spouses for the Seminarians.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The Andrews University Undergraduate Community silently and solemnly marked its 51st annual Ritual of Seminarian Appeasement on Monday night, sacrificing twelve of their young virgins to the Seminary, to become spouses for the Seminarians.
Weather Joke Pleads “Just Let Me Die Already”
BY KURT VONNEGUT
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Weather Joke sits nervously in her rocking chair at the Berrien Springs Hospice, worried that university speakers intend to drag her out of her comfortable retirement into the spotlight once more. Far in the past, she enjoyed an illustrious career, due to her unique ability to lampoon the harsh Michigan weather. But as in most careers, she found herself in decline after convocation speakers squeezed every ounce of humor out of her. So she gladly took her bow and was content with a graceful exit out of the spotlight. However, with each start of a new school year it appears speakers and pastors have other intentions.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Weather Joke sits nervously in her rocking chair at the Berrien Springs Hospice, worried that university speakers intend to drag her out of her comfortable retirement into the spotlight once more. Far in the past, she enjoyed an illustrious career, due to her unique ability to lampoon the harsh Michigan weather. But as in most careers, she found herself in decline after convocation speakers squeezed every ounce of humor out of her. So she gladly took her bow and was content with a graceful exit out of the spotlight. However, with each start of a new school year it appears speakers and pastors have other intentions.
Head and Torso of Elderly Asian Man Found Dismembered, Bronzed, Mounted on Pedestal in Chan Shun Hall Foyer
BY SAMUEL CLEMENS
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In what the Berrien Springs / Oronoko Police Department is calling “the most gruesome crime this town has ever seen,” an elderly Asian man was apparently dismembered, bronzed, and mounted onto a pedestal in the middle of the Chan Shun Hall Foyer on Sunday night. Students entering the building on Monday morning stumbled upon the horrific sight.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In what the Berrien Springs / Oronoko Police Department is calling “the most gruesome crime this town has ever seen,” an elderly Asian man was apparently dismembered, bronzed, and mounted onto a pedestal in the middle of the Chan Shun Hall Foyer on Sunday night. Students entering the building on Monday morning stumbled upon the horrific sight.
July 27, 2010
Young Peers for Jesus Struggle to Find Meaning in Church After Winning War with Evolutionists
BY AASIV MANDVI
ANN ARBOR, MI–They raised an uproar over evolutionist beliefs in the church. They launched a concerted effort to fire church employees who held such belief. Their dedication paid off. They succeeded. La Sierra fired its entire biology department, and shortly thereafter the church decided to close the university altogether. Yet two years after their spectacular victory, members of the Young Peers for Jesus (YPJ) are complaining of losing religious meaning. They once burned for the sake of righteousness. But today, in 2012, the zeal has waned.
ANN ARBOR, MI–They raised an uproar over evolutionist beliefs in the church. They launched a concerted effort to fire church employees who held such belief. Their dedication paid off. They succeeded. La Sierra fired its entire biology department, and shortly thereafter the church decided to close the university altogether. Yet two years after their spectacular victory, members of the Young Peers for Jesus (YPJ) are complaining of losing religious meaning. They once burned for the sake of righteousness. But today, in 2012, the zeal has waned.
La Sierra Biologists Create Puppy that Attacks Its Own Mother While Nursing
BY JON STEWART
RIVERSIDE, CA—La Sierra University is pleased to announce the successful completion of an experiment in genetic engineering by its biology department. Canis Lupus Evolvere, the world’s first genetically-modified dog, is stable and healthy at two weeks old.
RIVERSIDE, CA—La Sierra University is pleased to announce the successful completion of an experiment in genetic engineering by its biology department. Canis Lupus Evolvere, the world’s first genetically-modified dog, is stable and healthy at two weeks old.
Ferdinand Cannal: Franz Mann Practices Corrupt Theology, and Still Owes Me $1.75 from College
BY LARRY WILMORE
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Continuing a scholastic feud that has burned for nearly five decades, Ferdinand Cannal has published Systems and Theology, a scathing response to Franz Mann’s Theological Mindsets. Cannal is a professor of systematic theology at the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary. Mann is the Research Professor of Philosophical Theology at La Sierra University.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Continuing a scholastic feud that has burned for nearly five decades, Ferdinand Cannal has published Systems and Theology, a scathing response to Franz Mann’s Theological Mindsets. Cannal is a professor of systematic theology at the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary. Mann is the Research Professor of Philosophical Theology at La Sierra University.
Seminary Professor Argues to Define Creation as “Six, Literal, Consecutive 86,400-second Days”
BY SAMANTHA BEE
BERRIEN SPRINGS— Dr. Wayne Bingham, a professor of church history in the Seminary, is concerned. Momentum has built to modify Fundamental Belief 6: Creation to include the phrase “six, literal, consecutive, 24-hour days”. Conservatives are rejoicing, seeing this as a way to strengthen the Adventist Church’s literal interpretation of Genesis 1. But Dr. Bingham sees trouble.
BERRIEN SPRINGS— Dr. Wayne Bingham, a professor of church history in the Seminary, is concerned. Momentum has built to modify Fundamental Belief 6: Creation to include the phrase “six, literal, consecutive, 24-hour days”. Conservatives are rejoicing, seeing this as a way to strengthen the Adventist Church’s literal interpretation of Genesis 1. But Dr. Bingham sees trouble.
July 20, 2010
ESPN to Recruit at Next Seminary Career Fair
BY ABBAS ABDUL-GHAFUR
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In growing recognition of the Seminary’s ability to produce quality sports commentators and analysts, the Entertainment Sports Programming Network has announced its participation at the next Seminary Career Fair, where it will join the Wisconsin, Wyoming, Southeastern California, Greater Nevada, Arizona, and Maryland Conferences of Seventh-day Adventists.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In growing recognition of the Seminary’s ability to produce quality sports commentators and analysts, the Entertainment Sports Programming Network has announced its participation at the next Seminary Career Fair, where it will join the Wisconsin, Wyoming, Southeastern California, Greater Nevada, Arizona, and Maryland Conferences of Seventh-day Adventists.
New Class to Teach Students to Preach, Lecture Other Students and Professors in Classroom
BY EARL ALDEN
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Effective next semester, the Seminary is adding GSEM 500, Student Homiletics for the Classroom, as a graduation requirement for the MDiv Program. The class will teach students how to assume lectureship authority in the classroom. It will teach them how to share their opinions and daydreams with anyone, at any time, and will develop their skills in interrupting professors and maneuvering topics to be what they wish to discuss.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Effective next semester, the Seminary is adding GSEM 500, Student Homiletics for the Classroom, as a graduation requirement for the MDiv Program. The class will teach students how to assume lectureship authority in the classroom. It will teach them how to share their opinions and daydreams with anyone, at any time, and will develop their skills in interrupting professors and maneuvering topics to be what they wish to discuss.
Students Encounter God’s Work in Tour Buses, Restaurants and Resorts on Mission Trip
BY DMITRIY SAGDAYEV
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Last month, fifteen students from Andrews University departed for a week-long mission trip to Manado, Indonesia. Upon returning to Berrien Springs, they testified of God’s timely intervention during their trip.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Last month, fifteen students from Andrews University departed for a week-long mission trip to Manado, Indonesia. Upon returning to Berrien Springs, they testified of God’s timely intervention during their trip.
Recent Convert Paris Hilton to Speak at PMC This Sabbath, Jesus Christ Rescheduled
BY MA’ANV MSHELE
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Due to a surprise gap in recent Adventist convert Paris Hilton’s busy church, conference, rally, and meeting speaking schedule, a gap which allows her to spend next Sabbath in Berrien Springs, the leadership of Pioneer Memorial Church has invited her to speak this Sabbath, and has rescheduled the Son of God, who was in the way.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Due to a surprise gap in recent Adventist convert Paris Hilton’s busy church, conference, rally, and meeting speaking schedule, a gap which allows her to spend next Sabbath in Berrien Springs, the leadership of Pioneer Memorial Church has invited her to speak this Sabbath, and has rescheduled the Son of God, who was in the way.
July 13, 2010
Berrien Springs Internet Café Users Continually Bothered by Soapbox Speakers
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Four years after its establishment, pests continue to plague the tranquil environment of the sprawling Berrien Springs Internet Café. Patrons who frequent this exclusive club constantly find themselves interrupted by soapbox speakers who yammer away at random topics ranging from biblical exegesis to sanctuary doctrines.
Woman Sacrifices W, O for Ministry
INLAND AND SOUTHERN U.S.—Five years after his decision to make the final sacrifice to God, and on the eve of his ordination, the Man who once was Woman is pausing to reflect on the decision that allowed him to reach this point in his career.
Recesstime Joins Chapeltime, Enhances and Benefits Seminary Student Life
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Recesstime, a brand-new program in the Seminary, has officially moved from experimental to permanent stage. The program, which was implemented in the beginning of the semester, is the result of many months of careful brainstorming and planning by the Seminary Deans on how the Seminary could improve student life.
Seminarian Found Dead Near Library, Malnutrition Probable Cause
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—The emaciated corpse of a thirty-four-year-old seminarian was found lying on the steps of the James White library yesterday afternoon. Student exiting the library saw him dragging himself towards the building when he stumbled and fell unconscious.
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