Currently recruiting writers who are not angry, who can write in the style of The Onion and The Daily Show, who can mock their own points of view, and who don’t mind being anonymous.
Also recruiting ideas and issues from all ends of the spectrum.
THESOYDOG@GMAIL.COM
February 22, 2011
Students, Faculty Courageously Minister to 3/4ths of Those Who Publically Confess Sins
BY MEEHOO
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In a dramatic demonstration of solidarity, support, and Christian love during a special service on Friday, the united Seminary student and faculty body courageously overcame the shock and revulsion they experienced after 2nd-year seminarian Nicholas Stinson concluded a session of public confession by confessing to a pornography addiction, and proceeded to minister to the three other students who had confessed sins before Stinson spoke up.
The session of public confession came at the behest of Dr. Linus Gallaway, who preached a sermon based on James 5:16. During his sermon, Dr. Gallaway outlined the importance of exposing hidden sins to light. His appeal prompted one confession of anger and domestic abuse, one confession of envy, one confession of sloth, and one confession of pornography addiction, which soured the mood of goodwill and support the seminary body had been feeling toward the confessors up till now.
“Eric Rashore was crying and saying that he didn’t want to hit his wife anymore, and he needed help controlling his anger, and me and a whole bunch of students were just about to move in and comfort him,” said Sally Newman, “but before we could that Stinson stood and blurted out his confession, and that just sucked the life out of things. You could hear a pin drop. Then we got this disgusted, slimy feeling in our stomachs.”
Other students reported similar reactions. Jason Vasquez was on his way to pray with Aaron Williams, a self-sponsored student who confessed to bankrupting his family in order to keep up with the iphones, cars, clothes, and other fortunes of a sponsored rival with a guaranteed prestigious job, when Stinson confessed.
“My heart was overflowing for Aaron, and I wanted to do my Christian responsibility to help him. But then Stinson spoke, and all of a sudden, I felt nauseous. I mean, that dude watches what? What’s this hypocrite doing in the Seminary?”
“Forget that, what’ll he do in ministry?” added Professor Samantha Kim, who was offering to be an accountability partner to Michelle Smith when Stinson’s addiction hit. Smith confessed to an addiction to TV, media, and romance novels that sucked up hours of her day at the expense of homework, children, husband, and house.
Students report that Stinson’s confession hit them like a revolting blow, and many detailed the vast emotional struggles they had to decide if or not they wanted to go on assisting every other student but Stinson. The fiercest struggle was fought by Professor Kim, who actually had to pass by Stinson on her way to the pew where Smith was.
“I did not want to get anywhere near that guy,” Kim said. “It was a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other.”
But shock and disgust proved no match for the united might of the bretheren, who bravely soldiered on to their ministry targets, put Stinson out of mind, and initiated support. Soon, circles had formed around Eric, Williams, and Kim. Comforting words were spoken. Hands were laid. Prayers were said. Accountability partners were set up. Tears flowed from the confessors, 3/4ths of whose faces now shone with renewed hope in the transformative power of the Holy Spirit and the strong support of people who cared, understood, and were willing to go out of their way to help.
For his part, Stinson, sat quietly alone in a row of four cleared-out pews with his head down, though several students noticed how a beam of light from one of the windows emitted an uncanny likeliness of a strange, shining being sitting by Stinson and covering him with its wings. But this was dismissed as an optical illusion or an application of 2 Corinthians 11:14.
“I just want to be free,” said Stinson, looking wistfully at the prayer and accountability partners of those who confessed to other sins. “But I guess mine isn’t a sin that we’re willing to talk about and assist with yet.”
“Perhaps the Seminary beat the stats when it comes to pornography,” he added, before slowly walking out of the chapel by himself.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In a dramatic demonstration of solidarity, support, and Christian love during a special service on Friday, the united Seminary student and faculty body courageously overcame the shock and revulsion they experienced after 2nd-year seminarian Nicholas Stinson concluded a session of public confession by confessing to a pornography addiction, and proceeded to minister to the three other students who had confessed sins before Stinson spoke up.
The session of public confession came at the behest of Dr. Linus Gallaway, who preached a sermon based on James 5:16. During his sermon, Dr. Gallaway outlined the importance of exposing hidden sins to light. His appeal prompted one confession of anger and domestic abuse, one confession of envy, one confession of sloth, and one confession of pornography addiction, which soured the mood of goodwill and support the seminary body had been feeling toward the confessors up till now.
“Eric Rashore was crying and saying that he didn’t want to hit his wife anymore, and he needed help controlling his anger, and me and a whole bunch of students were just about to move in and comfort him,” said Sally Newman, “but before we could that Stinson stood and blurted out his confession, and that just sucked the life out of things. You could hear a pin drop. Then we got this disgusted, slimy feeling in our stomachs.”
Other students reported similar reactions. Jason Vasquez was on his way to pray with Aaron Williams, a self-sponsored student who confessed to bankrupting his family in order to keep up with the iphones, cars, clothes, and other fortunes of a sponsored rival with a guaranteed prestigious job, when Stinson confessed.
“My heart was overflowing for Aaron, and I wanted to do my Christian responsibility to help him. But then Stinson spoke, and all of a sudden, I felt nauseous. I mean, that dude watches what? What’s this hypocrite doing in the Seminary?”
“Forget that, what’ll he do in ministry?” added Professor Samantha Kim, who was offering to be an accountability partner to Michelle Smith when Stinson’s addiction hit. Smith confessed to an addiction to TV, media, and romance novels that sucked up hours of her day at the expense of homework, children, husband, and house.
Students report that Stinson’s confession hit them like a revolting blow, and many detailed the vast emotional struggles they had to decide if or not they wanted to go on assisting every other student but Stinson. The fiercest struggle was fought by Professor Kim, who actually had to pass by Stinson on her way to the pew where Smith was.
“I did not want to get anywhere near that guy,” Kim said. “It was a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other.”
But shock and disgust proved no match for the united might of the bretheren, who bravely soldiered on to their ministry targets, put Stinson out of mind, and initiated support. Soon, circles had formed around Eric, Williams, and Kim. Comforting words were spoken. Hands were laid. Prayers were said. Accountability partners were set up. Tears flowed from the confessors, 3/4ths of whose faces now shone with renewed hope in the transformative power of the Holy Spirit and the strong support of people who cared, understood, and were willing to go out of their way to help.
For his part, Stinson, sat quietly alone in a row of four cleared-out pews with his head down, though several students noticed how a beam of light from one of the windows emitted an uncanny likeliness of a strange, shining being sitting by Stinson and covering him with its wings. But this was dismissed as an optical illusion or an application of 2 Corinthians 11:14.
“I just want to be free,” said Stinson, looking wistfully at the prayer and accountability partners of those who confessed to other sins. “But I guess mine isn’t a sin that we’re willing to talk about and assist with yet.”
“Perhaps the Seminary beat the stats when it comes to pornography,” he added, before slowly walking out of the chapel by himself.
Kill Spiritual Formation! Poised to Overtake Nuke La Sierra! as Fashion Label of Choice for Trendy Extremist Conservative Adventists
BY EXACTLYWATT
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Barely one month after its spectacular introduction at the Extremist Adventist Fashion Show, upstart label Kill Spiritual Formation! is poised to overtake rival label Nuke La Sierra! as the clothing statement of choice for trendy extremist conservative Adventists.
According to industry analysts, Kill Spiritual Formation! has, in four weeks, achieved virtual parity with Nuke La Sierra! in terms of market share, as more and more trend-aware extremists abandon their old favorite in favor of the new, big, and more exciting trend.
Immediate hints of imminent success came at Kill Spiritual Formation!’s introduction at the Extremist Fashion Show. There, an electrified audience jumped to its feet and delivered a deafening ovation as five supermodels clad in slogan shirts that read, “Kill Spiritual Formation”, “Fear the Jesuit Invasion”, “Walshe and Dybdahl are Leading You Astray”, “Semantical Police”, and “We’re Not Judging, We Just Want To Help”, respectively, glided down the runway.
Fashion fans reacted passionately to what they believed was going to be the big extremist trend of 2011.
“Nothing this big has hit the extremist fashion world in two years!” exclaimed Brian Voorhes, who follows and blogs extremist trends. “Nuke La Sierra” was great, but that was ages ago. I was getting bored and going nuts, waiting for some creative designer to ignite a new style, to give me a new source of boldness and provocation to dress myself in. And whoo boy, did this show ever come through.”
Other extremists confirm feeling an overwhelming sense of excitement and pleasure upon viewing the raging new trend.
“[Designer] David Asscherick and other imitators did a great job with the Nuke La Sierra! line, but that was so 2009,” said Michelle Weda, another extremist fashion follower. “Good to know that there’s a fresh new extremist trend to see us through 2011.”
Perhaps the strongest boost to the Kill Spiritual Formation! label comes from General Conference President Ted Wilson, who is an open and avid fan of such trends. In the week following the label’s debut, Wilson expressed support and released a statement saying that he was eager to have yet another such label to wear. Indeed, it was Wilson who initiated the sustained applause at the appearance of the Kill Spiritual Formation! models.
With sales soaring and more and more extremists adopting the brand’s slogans, industry analysts predict that Kill Spiritual Formation! will be the most successful extremist trend of the year.
In other fashion news, the fashion labels Love Thy Neighbor and Work Out Your Own Salvation have pulled out of future extremist fashion shows. Reception at such shows to these timeless, sensible styles had been waning for decades. This year, the audience interpreted offerings by the two labels as a joke, and laughed the models off the stage.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Barely one month after its spectacular introduction at the Extremist Adventist Fashion Show, upstart label Kill Spiritual Formation! is poised to overtake rival label Nuke La Sierra! as the clothing statement of choice for trendy extremist conservative Adventists.
According to industry analysts, Kill Spiritual Formation! has, in four weeks, achieved virtual parity with Nuke La Sierra! in terms of market share, as more and more trend-aware extremists abandon their old favorite in favor of the new, big, and more exciting trend.
Immediate hints of imminent success came at Kill Spiritual Formation!’s introduction at the Extremist Fashion Show. There, an electrified audience jumped to its feet and delivered a deafening ovation as five supermodels clad in slogan shirts that read, “Kill Spiritual Formation”, “Fear the Jesuit Invasion”, “Walshe and Dybdahl are Leading You Astray”, “Semantical Police”, and “We’re Not Judging, We Just Want To Help”, respectively, glided down the runway.
Fashion fans reacted passionately to what they believed was going to be the big extremist trend of 2011.
“Nothing this big has hit the extremist fashion world in two years!” exclaimed Brian Voorhes, who follows and blogs extremist trends. “Nuke La Sierra” was great, but that was ages ago. I was getting bored and going nuts, waiting for some creative designer to ignite a new style, to give me a new source of boldness and provocation to dress myself in. And whoo boy, did this show ever come through.”
Other extremists confirm feeling an overwhelming sense of excitement and pleasure upon viewing the raging new trend.
“[Designer] David Asscherick and other imitators did a great job with the Nuke La Sierra! line, but that was so 2009,” said Michelle Weda, another extremist fashion follower. “Good to know that there’s a fresh new extremist trend to see us through 2011.”
Perhaps the strongest boost to the Kill Spiritual Formation! label comes from General Conference President Ted Wilson, who is an open and avid fan of such trends. In the week following the label’s debut, Wilson expressed support and released a statement saying that he was eager to have yet another such label to wear. Indeed, it was Wilson who initiated the sustained applause at the appearance of the Kill Spiritual Formation! models.
With sales soaring and more and more extremists adopting the brand’s slogans, industry analysts predict that Kill Spiritual Formation! will be the most successful extremist trend of the year.
In other fashion news, the fashion labels Love Thy Neighbor and Work Out Your Own Salvation have pulled out of future extremist fashion shows. Reception at such shows to these timeless, sensible styles had been waning for decades. This year, the audience interpreted offerings by the two labels as a joke, and laughed the models off the stage.
God’s Achievement Through Man Glorified at Scholarship Symposium
BY ICKLE MEE
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Luminaries gathered from various departments in the outstanding Adventist Theological Seminary to give glory to God in the annual Scholarship Symposium. Theological legends within the great Seminary initiated a week of rigorous learning, outstanding presentations and the most eye-catching posters with a special, voluntary chapel service to show off the achievements that God had accomplished through them.
The brightest scholars across the vast Theological Seminary Lands were able to laud the magnificence that God had given them. Furthermore, students who attended with willing hearts were treated with displays of divine blessing in the lives of professors, which allowed them to grasp just how significant our Adventist scholars truly are.
Many professors who would otherwise not have been known outside the already large Adventist world received a literal fifteen minutes in the spotlight for the extensive blessings of God manifested in their scholastic contributions to the school and church.
Seminary spokesperson, Arnold Grotter, felt no need to explain the significance of the festivities although he chimed, “We take it upon ourselves to publicly acknowledge the magnificent achievements that God has blessed us with. It would be a great disservice to ourselves if we don’t pause to recognize the outstanding immensity of the work we do. Nor will we apologize for congregating our students who came of their own free-will, not under any compulsion.”
Professors were feted with the spontaneous cheers, applause and praise of an autonomous crowd of students as students recognized and appreciated the works that God had wrought through them.
“Wow, I’m thrilled that I got to sing, pray, and praise the scholastic blessings that God has poured out on our professors. I was thrilled that I got a chance to publicly celebrate the scholastic magnificence and achievements God has given these professors. But for a special chapel service dedicated to it, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate scholasticism otherwise,” exclaimed Brad Jones, a student clearly overcome by the aura of proceedings.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Luminaries gathered from various departments in the outstanding Adventist Theological Seminary to give glory to God in the annual Scholarship Symposium. Theological legends within the great Seminary initiated a week of rigorous learning, outstanding presentations and the most eye-catching posters with a special, voluntary chapel service to show off the achievements that God had accomplished through them.
The brightest scholars across the vast Theological Seminary Lands were able to laud the magnificence that God had given them. Furthermore, students who attended with willing hearts were treated with displays of divine blessing in the lives of professors, which allowed them to grasp just how significant our Adventist scholars truly are.
Many professors who would otherwise not have been known outside the already large Adventist world received a literal fifteen minutes in the spotlight for the extensive blessings of God manifested in their scholastic contributions to the school and church.
Seminary spokesperson, Arnold Grotter, felt no need to explain the significance of the festivities although he chimed, “We take it upon ourselves to publicly acknowledge the magnificent achievements that God has blessed us with. It would be a great disservice to ourselves if we don’t pause to recognize the outstanding immensity of the work we do. Nor will we apologize for congregating our students who came of their own free-will, not under any compulsion.”
Professors were feted with the spontaneous cheers, applause and praise of an autonomous crowd of students as students recognized and appreciated the works that God had wrought through them.
“Wow, I’m thrilled that I got to sing, pray, and praise the scholastic blessings that God has poured out on our professors. I was thrilled that I got a chance to publicly celebrate the scholastic magnificence and achievements God has given these professors. But for a special chapel service dedicated to it, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate scholasticism otherwise,” exclaimed Brad Jones, a student clearly overcome by the aura of proceedings.
Ghost of Previous Pastor Continues to Haunt Ministry of Current Pastor
BY LITTLE PEGGY ANN MCKAY
BLOOMINGTON, IN—The name on the Pastor’s door remains “Pastor Timothy Juniper.” The lettering under the main church sign reads, “Timothy Juniper, Senior Pastor.” The bulletin often announces sermons by “Pastor Timothy Juniper.” Church members eagerly share about the latest conversations and meetings they’ve had with Pastor Juniper.
Timothy Juniper is not the pastor of the Bloomington SDA Church. That title belongs to Pastor Jim Schwartz. But in a startling display of staying power and attachment, one year after the arrival of Pastor Schwartz, the ghost of the previous pastor continues to manifest its haunting presence and influence in the building and community of the Bloomington SDA Church.
Pastor Schwartz first suspected his new ministry was haunted one month after his arrival, when he sighted the apparition of the previous pastor speaking from the church pulpit during New Year’s festivities. The following Sabbath, during Welcome and Announcements, he again sighted the eerie being taking the stage. This time, it exhorted the congregation personally and directly, and thanked the members for what they’d done.
Initially, Pastor Schwartz dismissed the sightings as illusion and paranoia. But the sightings continued in frequency and intensity.
“After the appearance during the announcements, there was a peaceful period. But suddenly, during a recent church program, the ghost returned, and seemed emboldened,” described a mystified Schwartz.
Schwartz began to see the ghost assume management of the church, testing microphones and checking on the pulpit and pews. The ghost seemed to walk with a sense of entitlement, even carrying itself like a pastor. Soon, Schwartz detected a change in the positive relationships he was developing with church members.
“We got along great--they liked me, listened to my sermons, and said they appreciated my ministry. One even thanked me for taking care of an issue the previous pastor wasn’t able to solve. But the minute he said that, there was a thunderclap from the PA room, and I saw the ghost standing there, looking furious,” said Schwartz.
From that instant, according to Schwartz, the ghost began manipulating members, stoking fears about Schwartz and feeding irrational ideas. For example, it succeeded in convincing members that the forty-eight-year-old Schwartz was a novice with little experience despite his ten years pastoring Westlake on top of his doctoral education.
“They began scheduling the ghost to preach instead of me. I don’t mind sharing the pulpit, but each time this being preaches, the air in church gets colder and colder around me,” said Schwartz.
The ghost has encouraged members to vocally protest the conference’s decision to retire the previous pastor, and to place Schwartz and Bloomington. Members have since written many letters, made calls, and appeared at the conference at the behest of the ghost.
To Schwartz and his family, it seems as if the ghost is terrified and insecure that its presence and legacy will be forgotten, even though Schwartz has never spoken badly about the previous pastor, has often acknowledged the great work he did at Bloomington, and has himself tried to bring in a spirit of peace and goodwill. But the restless ghost continues to make contact with members. Members now gather regularly at his house, and recently replanted his garden and renovated his porch.
“I think every pastor goes through something similar when they start,” said Schwartz. “Some might not have a problem as dramatic like this but it goes with the territory. Hopefully the members themselves will tire from entertaining the whims and wishes of this spirit and move on. But in the meantime, it’s hard when a church clings to the past.”
BLOOMINGTON, IN—The name on the Pastor’s door remains “Pastor Timothy Juniper.” The lettering under the main church sign reads, “Timothy Juniper, Senior Pastor.” The bulletin often announces sermons by “Pastor Timothy Juniper.” Church members eagerly share about the latest conversations and meetings they’ve had with Pastor Juniper.
Timothy Juniper is not the pastor of the Bloomington SDA Church. That title belongs to Pastor Jim Schwartz. But in a startling display of staying power and attachment, one year after the arrival of Pastor Schwartz, the ghost of the previous pastor continues to manifest its haunting presence and influence in the building and community of the Bloomington SDA Church.
Pastor Schwartz first suspected his new ministry was haunted one month after his arrival, when he sighted the apparition of the previous pastor speaking from the church pulpit during New Year’s festivities. The following Sabbath, during Welcome and Announcements, he again sighted the eerie being taking the stage. This time, it exhorted the congregation personally and directly, and thanked the members for what they’d done.
Initially, Pastor Schwartz dismissed the sightings as illusion and paranoia. But the sightings continued in frequency and intensity.
“After the appearance during the announcements, there was a peaceful period. But suddenly, during a recent church program, the ghost returned, and seemed emboldened,” described a mystified Schwartz.
Schwartz began to see the ghost assume management of the church, testing microphones and checking on the pulpit and pews. The ghost seemed to walk with a sense of entitlement, even carrying itself like a pastor. Soon, Schwartz detected a change in the positive relationships he was developing with church members.
“We got along great--they liked me, listened to my sermons, and said they appreciated my ministry. One even thanked me for taking care of an issue the previous pastor wasn’t able to solve. But the minute he said that, there was a thunderclap from the PA room, and I saw the ghost standing there, looking furious,” said Schwartz.
From that instant, according to Schwartz, the ghost began manipulating members, stoking fears about Schwartz and feeding irrational ideas. For example, it succeeded in convincing members that the forty-eight-year-old Schwartz was a novice with little experience despite his ten years pastoring Westlake on top of his doctoral education.
“They began scheduling the ghost to preach instead of me. I don’t mind sharing the pulpit, but each time this being preaches, the air in church gets colder and colder around me,” said Schwartz.
The ghost has encouraged members to vocally protest the conference’s decision to retire the previous pastor, and to place Schwartz and Bloomington. Members have since written many letters, made calls, and appeared at the conference at the behest of the ghost.
To Schwartz and his family, it seems as if the ghost is terrified and insecure that its presence and legacy will be forgotten, even though Schwartz has never spoken badly about the previous pastor, has often acknowledged the great work he did at Bloomington, and has himself tried to bring in a spirit of peace and goodwill. But the restless ghost continues to make contact with members. Members now gather regularly at his house, and recently replanted his garden and renovated his porch.
“I think every pastor goes through something similar when they start,” said Schwartz. “Some might not have a problem as dramatic like this but it goes with the territory. Hopefully the members themselves will tire from entertaining the whims and wishes of this spirit and move on. But in the meantime, it’s hard when a church clings to the past.”
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