BY L.M. MONTGOMERY
BERRIEN SPRINGS—After friends and family fed her prejudice about the perils of desperate, lurking seminarians, Janice Avery, an arriving freshman to Andrews University, made a solemn pact with herself that she wouldn’t date anyone in the Seminary. Avery, 18, took the task to heart, managing to avoid all seminarian contact during her first few weeks, until her decision to attend Fusion.
August 24, 2010
Andrews Undergraduate Community Sacrifices Twelve Virgins in 51st Annual Ritual of Seminarian Appeasement
BY JOSEPH HELLER
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The Andrews University Undergraduate Community silently and solemnly marked its 51st annual Ritual of Seminarian Appeasement on Monday night, sacrificing twelve of their young virgins to the Seminary, to become spouses for the Seminarians.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The Andrews University Undergraduate Community silently and solemnly marked its 51st annual Ritual of Seminarian Appeasement on Monday night, sacrificing twelve of their young virgins to the Seminary, to become spouses for the Seminarians.
Weather Joke Pleads “Just Let Me Die Already”
BY KURT VONNEGUT
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Weather Joke sits nervously in her rocking chair at the Berrien Springs Hospice, worried that university speakers intend to drag her out of her comfortable retirement into the spotlight once more. Far in the past, she enjoyed an illustrious career, due to her unique ability to lampoon the harsh Michigan weather. But as in most careers, she found herself in decline after convocation speakers squeezed every ounce of humor out of her. So she gladly took her bow and was content with a graceful exit out of the spotlight. However, with each start of a new school year it appears speakers and pastors have other intentions.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Weather Joke sits nervously in her rocking chair at the Berrien Springs Hospice, worried that university speakers intend to drag her out of her comfortable retirement into the spotlight once more. Far in the past, she enjoyed an illustrious career, due to her unique ability to lampoon the harsh Michigan weather. But as in most careers, she found herself in decline after convocation speakers squeezed every ounce of humor out of her. So she gladly took her bow and was content with a graceful exit out of the spotlight. However, with each start of a new school year it appears speakers and pastors have other intentions.
Head and Torso of Elderly Asian Man Found Dismembered, Bronzed, Mounted on Pedestal in Chan Shun Hall Foyer
BY SAMUEL CLEMENS
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In what the Berrien Springs / Oronoko Police Department is calling “the most gruesome crime this town has ever seen,” an elderly Asian man was apparently dismembered, bronzed, and mounted onto a pedestal in the middle of the Chan Shun Hall Foyer on Sunday night. Students entering the building on Monday morning stumbled upon the horrific sight.
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In what the Berrien Springs / Oronoko Police Department is calling “the most gruesome crime this town has ever seen,” an elderly Asian man was apparently dismembered, bronzed, and mounted onto a pedestal in the middle of the Chan Shun Hall Foyer on Sunday night. Students entering the building on Monday morning stumbled upon the horrific sight.
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