Evangelist Celebrates Shredding Local Culture

BY ABDUL HAKEEM

BANGALORE— Noted evangelist, Douglas Beam, celebrated the completion of his evangelistic series yesterday in Bangalore. Pastor Beam, as he prefers to be called, spent ten days preaching his Euro-centric version of Seventh-day Adventism and was pleased to report of several conversions from his campaign. For those listening to his message, Beam was considered a “liberator” who shined “new light” on their previously “uncivilized” state of ignorance.

Members Turn to Medical Prescriptions for Spiritual Nourishment

BY JEAN-CLAUDE DUMIEVE

BERRIEN SPRINGS—Church members have increasingly begun turning to medical prescriptions for spiritual nourishment. In what is rapidly becoming a trend among the worldwide church, members are reading these doctors’ prescriptions in an effort to get objective instructions for their daily life. Church members wearied by the apparent long-windedness of literature now seek these prescriptions for spiritual instruction due to its straightforward nature.

Researchers Discover Previously Overlooked MSSN, Now Face Additional Study Time

BY LASSANA ALIOU

BERRIEN SPRINGS—Researchers cataloguing wildlife in the Andrews University Bulletin were shocked Monday by the discovery of MSSN, a small, strange beast that they had hitherto overlooked in their studies. The discovery happened at 10:21 pm on Monday evening, during a routine perusal of the Bulletin in preparation for the completion of the study.

Seminarian's Wife Divorces Seminarian Over Unbalanced Ratio of Theory to Practicality

BY JANELLE ORCZY

BERRIEN SPRINGS—Citing reasons of “Practical Ineptitude,” Sandra Danielson, wife of recent Seminary graduate Brian Danielson, has filed for divorce less than one month after the couple’s marriage.