This is the last print edition of The Soy Dog. We love the Seventh-day Adventist Church, the people within, and are content to live with organizational idiosyncrasies. The views we expressed weren’t always our own. We hope we’ve made you laugh a few times over the past five months.
You can follow us at www.thesoydog.com, where we’ll continue to post new stories occasionally. If you wish to address issues in the church, can write satire in the style of The Onion and The Daily Show, and don’t mind being anonymous, we’d love to have you write for us. Our contact email is thesoydog@gmail.com. With enough writers, it may be possible to continue a print edition.
Thanks again for reading, and Merry Christmas to all.
December 08, 2010
The Soy Dog From the Future: Headlines, 2010-2040
The world goes round and round...
- Adventist Conservatives Flex Muscle in 2010 General Conference Session
- La Sierra Closes its Biology, Religion Department on Anniversary of President Ted Wilson's Election, Affirms Six Day Literal Creation
- Adventist Church Wins Lawsuit, Gains Control of Adventist Today, Spectrum, and the Association of Adventist Forums
December 4, 2040: Reports Confirm Teaching of Six-Day-Literal Creation at Southern; Church Leaders Outraged
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Conference officials, college presidents, and other church officials unanimously condemned Southern Adventist University this week, after fresh reports emerged that the university has been openly teaching a normative six-day-literal creation in contrast to current church fundamental beliefs.
October 25, 2050: Tommy Wright-Wilson Orders Start of War on La Sierra
RIVERSIDE, CA—La Sierra University collapsed in a matter of hours as conservative units marched swiftly through Riverwalk Parkway as marines toppled the Fountain of Grace statue and ransacked campus buildings.
July 27, 2055: Moderates Suffer Casualties in Adventist Civil War
SILVER SPRING, MD—The number of moderate, lay Adventist casualties continued to climb in the first half of the year. The increase in deaths has been attributed to continuing cross-fire between liberals and conservatives, killing innocent bystanders.
December 7, 2060: United States, United Nations to Deploy Global Peacekeeping force to End Adventist Civil War; Pope and Other Church Leaders to Advise
NEW YORK—The United Nations Monday approved the creation of a peacekeeping mission to end the globe-spanning civil war between conservatives and liberals in the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
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