BY JON STEWART
RIVERSIDE, CA—La Sierra University is pleased to announce the successful completion of an experiment in genetic engineering by its biology department. Canis Lupus Evolvere, the world’s first genetically-modified dog, is stable and healthy at two weeks old.
“This experiment has progressed beyond our wildest hopes,” said Dr. Mansfield Chester, the director of the project. “Even at this early stage in its life, Canis Lupus Evolvere already displays unique characteristics hereunto unseen in dogs. In particular, it possesses an exciting tendency toward simultaneous sustenance-collection and aggression, which it expresses by attacking its own mother while nursing. One minute it will be happily suckling at a teat, gorging itself fat on milk, receiving its daily sustenance. The next minute, it’ll growl, lunge, and sink its teeth into its mother’s chest. This is a completely fascinating creature.”
Canis Lupus Evolvere was born with unusually well-developed fangs. So far, it has chewed its way through its mother’s skin and muscle, and is currently working on her ribs.
“While it’s premature to conclude, we think it’s going after a small, chambered, muscular organ in the mother’s chest cavity,” said Dr. Chester, who added that the biology department at La Sierra isn’t worried at all about the condition of the mother. “We don’t think Canis Lupus Evolvere is trying to kill its mother, especially not while it continues to rely on Mom for all its daily food. Rather, we feel that our puppy is trying to redefine what it means for the mother to exist.”
Despite its scientific success, La Sierra’s project has gathered significant opposition outside the university.
“Small, chambered, muscular organ whatEVER,” said David Buttes, a spokesperson for Get rid of Your Cruelty, a leading animal rights society. “That bloody puppy is going after the mother’s heart! That’s the organ that all other systems depend on. It’s a core doctrine of life. The existence of Canis Lupus Evolvere is an abomination. What it’s doing to its mother is an abomination. It’s not right to take sustenance from the mother while simultaneously attacking her core.”
Dr. Chester acknowledges the detractors, but he believes their concerns to be unfounded.
“With scientific progress, it is now completely possible for the mother to survive without that small, chambered, muscular organ. We plan to simply replace it with an artificial, manmade device that we have come up with over the last few decades. This device will actually improve the mother’s quality of life. Not only is the puppy something new, but through its efforts, the mother will become something new as well, and should be able to continue producing milk for her offspring indefinitely.”
Buttes, however, rejects such explanations.
“That’s even worse. They’re going to take an organ that God created and clearly laid out, replace it with one of their own fabrication, and make the mother an amalgamation of manmade heresy, all because they want the puppy to continue to get its food from her. All the biologists at La Sierra should be fired for coming up with something like this.”
So far, Canis Lupus Evolvere has shown no inclination of desiring to separate from its source of nourishment. The mother, on her part, appears unperturbed by the growing hole in her chest, and continues to suckle her offspring. Get rid of Your Cruelty is exploring options to forcefully separate the two.
