BY ABBAS ABDUL-GHAFUR
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In growing recognition of the Seminary’s ability to produce quality sports commentators and analysts, the Entertainment Sports Programming Network has announced its participation at the next Seminary Career Fair, where it will join the Wisconsin, Wyoming, Southeastern California, Greater Nevada, Arizona, and Maryland Conferences of Seventh-day Adventists.
The sports network is looking for fresh talent to anchor its Sportscenter broadcasts and analysis-based shows such as NFL Live and NBA Countdown.
“Our scouts discovered a much ignored talent pool in the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary,” said Reno Mahe, ESPN’s Executive Vice President of Content. “We found that many seminarians are equally or more conversant on competitive sports issues as they are with theological issues.”
After the initial meet and greet interviews at the career fair, ESPN will follow up with prospective candidates with more in-depth interviews and mock-commentary tryouts for NFL, NBA, and MLB broadcasts.
“South American Seminary students will have the opportunity to try out for our La Liga broadcasts, although they will find these positions very difficult to secure, since all our soccer pundits have had successful playing careers, whether it be at professional, semi-professional, or school levels. From our examination of Andrews intramural soccer records, this doesn’t appear to be the case for this demographic of students.”
The outlook is better for students versed in American Sports.
“Professional playing experience isn’t as important for commentators of American sports. All students have to do is to be able to out-argue Stuart Scott and Chris Berman while providing insightful analysis. They should do well in this area. We’ve found some real loudmouths here.”
Many seminarians are thrilled about this new development.
“I’m confident that I have what it takes to make it in ESPN,” said Antawn Dexum, who graduates this semester. “I’ve dedicated every minute of my time at the Seminary to studying the National Basketball Association. I know all the stats, players, and teams. I can predict plays; I can analyze the smallest details. I know more about the history of the NBA than other students know about the history of the Seventh-day Adventist Church!”
Non-sports-loving students are also thrilled to see ESPN at the next Career Fair, albeit for their own reasons.
“Once ESPN picks its students up, the Seminary will be quieter,” said student Michael Han. “I’m tired of hearing these sports blowhards left and right. I can’t go one moment in class without some doofus commenting on the World Cup or the NBA. I don’t care. Sometimes, when I’m minding my own business, these idiots come up to me and start jabbering away about the latest game, even when I tell them I don’t watch sports and I have an exegesis paper due. They can all go to ESPN, Fox Sports, or wherever, just get them out of here!”
The Seminary itself is pleased with ESPN’s interest.
“We’ve been praying for God to open more opportunities for our seminarians,” said Arnold Grotter, a spokesman for the Dean’s Office. “We’re proud we have such a diversity of students, from those who are well-versed in Old Testament exegesis, to those who do well in systematic theology, to those who are experts in competitive sports analysis and commentary.”
The Seminary Career Fair will take place on November 18. ESPN has announced that female students are welcome to apply for any number of sideline reporting roles.
