BY MA’ANV MSHELE
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Due to a surprise gap in recent Adventist convert Paris Hilton’s busy church, conference, rally, and meeting speaking schedule, a gap which allows her to spend next Sabbath in Berrien Springs, the leadership of Pioneer Memorial Church has invited her to speak this Sabbath, and has rescheduled the Son of God, who was in the way.
“We realize that Jesus had put months of planning into his message,” said Douglas Hanger, Pastor of Worship Scheduling at PMC. “We realize that he had invited many of his friends and his father to come hear him, so we feel bad about bumping him, but OH MY GOD! The most famous Adventist is coming to PMC! Our church is going to be jam-packed! We’re going to get a ton of attention from the outside world! We’ll be in newspapers nationwide! Perhaps I’ll appear on TV! This is the most special thing that’s happened to our church ever! What a way to spread our message to the world.”
Hilton will be speaking about how her desire to be free from the absurdity of celebrity worshippers and a desire to enjoy peace in a Christian community led her to the Adventist church.
“Actually, I’d love to rest and hear Jesus speak,” said a haggard-looking Hilton, after her latest speaking appointment at Campus Adventiste du Saleve. “But the entire church administration keeps telling me how cool I am and how much good I’m doing, so I guess I’ll keep going as long as I hold up.”
The Son of God will be given the soonest available speaking date. But due to extremely careful advance planning in the PMC worship schedule, it will not be possible to reschedule him until March of next year.
