BY JASON JONES
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Loud Minority is pushing the Seventh-day Adventist Church to recognize newspapers as part of the official canon. Their increasingly shrill voices have urged the General Conference to convene a special session confirming the canonicity of newspapers. According to Loud Minority, newspaper articles give their imagination the freedom to run wild when interpreting the Bible. Keeping up with current events also allows them to read their preconceived notions into Scripture.
“We call on our leaders to canonize newspapers in both print and digital forms. Let’s acknowledge what God’s remnant faithful already know- that newspapers are God’s inspired word too. Why? Isn’t it blatantly obvious that these articles help believers interpret God’s prophetic word? Many of the articles we’ve read confirm all the prophecies in the other sixty-six books,” exclaimed Loud Minority.
Loud Minority suggested that the Sunday Law, the United States as the lamb-like beast, and the notion of the pope as the “little horn” all found their fulfillment in newspapers. When asked to indicate explicit and clear examples where the Bible mentions Sunday law, Loud Minority cited their imagination, the voices in their heads and individual theories as evidence.
“Obviously, we’re not biblical scholars but we’re proud of that. These exegetes insist on a close reading of the Bible and analyzing the text. After their careful study, they have the temerity to tell us that concepts like the Sunday Law aren’t mentioned at all and that the Pope isn’t necessarily the little horn power. But we know that you have to read newspapers with our Bibles to understand prophecy. You can’t just read the Bible by itself, you need newspapers. The Bible is clearly inadequate,” declared Loud Minority.
Their interest in newspapers stems from an unhealthy obsession with last-day events and a distaste for non-prophetic Biblical literature. Loud Minority is based in tiny basements and garages scattered across the country.
“Here’s an example of the newspaper’s inspiration. I first saw evidence of Sunday Law on December 22, 2007 when The Times reported Tony Blair being ‘received into the full communion’ of the Catholic Church. Later, I read another article in the Wall Street Journal that the French were upset because many had to work on Sunday. The article even quoted a random person proclaiming, ‘Sunday is sacred’. Hmmm...Coincidence? Finally, last week in the New York Times, Prime Minister David Cameron ordered Brits to welcome the Pope with ‘open arms’,” shared Loud Minority.
“Clearly, the wheels of prophecy are in motion and we only learn this from newspapers- not the Bible! Besides, didn’t James White once tell us to ‘read the Bible in one hand and the newspaper in the other’? If we canonize newspapers, then we can have both in the same hand!”
Loud Minority doesn’t intend to study their Bibles any time soon but will continue focusing their efforts on newspaper articles as a service to the church. Meanwhile, others aren’t so sure.
“This is the result of people who aren’t educated. These conspiracy theorists don’t want to feel like they don’t understand Scripture so they make spurious connections from newspapers and call it ‘prophecy’. Conversely, it takes a lot of focus, concentration and dedication to study the biblical text which many aren’t capable of or willing to invest. Reading newspapers becomes their cheap out to appear faithful and knowledgeable about spiritual matters. They also claim to be led by the Holy Spirit when it’s just their vivid imagination at work,” countered Dr. Jean Paul, a Revelation scholar.
Still, Loud Minority dismisses his suggestions as “liberal musings” and claim that Dr. Paul has allowed Satan to work in his heart.
“He might say that now but when Sunday Law comes, I’ll be safe in the hills while he’ll be caught unawares by Catholics out to burn him. Then he’ll wish he read more newspapers, like me. Besides, why limit yourself to the Bible when there’s newer and better revelation?”
