BY MOKHTAR KARIM
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The SDA Theological Seminary have announced plans to extend the week by another day and extend the day to thirty-six hours in an effort to help seminarians finish all assignments in a timely and honest manner. Professors noticed that many seminarians had been lying about their assigned reading.
Although enrolled in a vigorous and challenging graduate program, students are expected to juggle academic requirements on top of other obligations such as families in addition to attending the many extraneous assemblies which administrators enjoy scheduling. This left them with little time to prioritize their education which coincidentally is the main reason they enrolled in the first place.
Many resorted to lying about assigned reading which professors are aware of. In an effort to tackle the problem, administrators announced a radical proposal to extend the day and week respectively.
“By adding another day to the week and a couple more hours to each day, we’re confident that seminarians will be able to complete their work while not compromising their values. At the seminary, we’re not concerned about the quality of the curriculum but on the quantity of work assigned and how fast students are able to finish their assignments. We want to give them the academic workload of Ivy League schools even though we recognize that our students don’t have the same luxury of solely concentrating on their studies like their Ivy League counterparts,” announced Daniel Forrester, dean of the seminary.
Professors considered multiple alternatives to stop the widespread lying taking place on book reports. A New Testament professor made students declare “before God” that they read the allotted pages but didn’t require a two-page report. Still, many took advantage of his leniency by not reading and reporting anyway that they read. Meanwhile, an Old Testament professor tried not requiring any report but simply trusted his students by treating them like adults and hoping that the joy of learning would compel them to read. Unfortunately, his efforts proved to be in vain.
“I understand that students are inundated with endless amounts of trivial assignments. And the funny thing is they know that we know that they don’t do their book reports. Neither the administrators, professors nor the students seem willing to change so we’re stuck in this web of lies,” observed Dr. Jake Dokane, an Old Testament professor.
Administrators hope that changing the natural order and time itself will give students the necessary time needed to finish the myriad of meaningless assignments some professors revel in doling out. Although plagiarism continues to be frowned upon and banned, everyone but God seemed comfortable with condoning the prevalent culture of dishonesty.
“We try to focus on what we can change instead of what we can’t. With the system as gridlocked as it is, we couldn’t and didn’t want to see any way to modify our curriculum to facilitate learning. Remember, our concern isn’t about what students learn from their books but whether or not they report that they read. But we realize that the lying has to stop and since the system is so entrenched and difficult to change, we decided to revolutionize time itself,” said Forrester.
Others aren’t convinced however. A student speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisals lamented, “Even if they do add more hours to the day and more days to the week, administrators will create more required assemblies to fill students’ schedules, teachers will just find more insignificant work to assign and students will find other ways to waste their time and still lie. We need everyone to sit down like adults, have a genuine discussion about the curriculum and find a way to give professors the tools to teach students effectively and for students to retain what they learn.”
