BY THE MALTESE CAT
VATICAN CITY—In what analysts and commentators are describing as an exciting, twist-filled competition, Ted Wilson and Pope Benedict XVI are currently locked in a dead tie in their annual basketball-based game of C-R-E-E-D.
The game, which is a variant of the schoolyard game H-O-R-S-E, pits two players against each other in a series of consecutive shots. If the second player misses a shot that the first player made, the second player acquires a successive letter of C-R-E-E-D. The first player to acquire all five letters loses.
The game is an annual ritual between the two church leaders. Historically, the General Conference President has creamed His Holiness in the competition, sometimes sending him home in as little as five true shots. But since the time of the Desmond Ford Affair, the gap between the players has narrowed, and this year, with Ted Wilson, the gap seems to be nonexistent.
Wilson appears desperately earnest, and clearly wants badly to score points, but his technique and form has so far been lacking, and, late in the game, he has taken to chanting a mantra that sounds like “Sig’s-gone-executive, Lit-her-all-daze” before each shot. While he has made some true shots, he has bricked enough to allow Benedict to keep the game competitive.
“What’s with GC presidents lately?” moans Stuart Scott, a commentator for ESPN. “They used to shoot the tiara off the Pope. But Wilson’s appeared to have latched onto bad technique and, instead of reevaluating and remaining open to improvement, has decided to lock into his ways. That style of stubborn, unchanging tradition takes him right into the Benedict’s territory!”
Roman Catholics, for their part, are expressing delight in the closure of the practical gap between the two leaders.
“We used to be totally outclassed. But now, the styles are similar, and game is much more exciting. It's nice to see the distance between a daughter church and the mother church growing smaller," said Sister Mary Francis, a member of Holy Habits, a group of cheerleading nuns.
With both players agreeing to an intermission, the score now stands tied at C-R-E-E apiece. Analysts and commentators still give the historic edge to Wilson, but note that, the way things are going this year, it’s anyone’s call as to which leader will get to C-R-E-E-D first and lose.
