BY GARM THE HOSTAGE
LONDON—A recent Biblical Historical Studies Symposium in London brought together the best theological thinkers and God to discuss the historicity of biblical events. God received the invitation thinking that he was going to make several presentations but was taken by surprise upon arriving at the Symposium.
“I prepared several lectures that would help our scholars better understand the Bible. When I arrived however, they told me that I would be listening instead of presenting,” stated a mildly amused God.
Scholars used the event as a refresher course to help God remember what actually took place in the Bible.
“We felt that after living an infinite amount of years, God’s omniscience might not be up to scratch and could well be rusty. Let’s face it; God is really old so God probably needed us to remind God about the stories. We knew that we were doing God a service through this Symposium,” exclaimed an excited Dr. Feuerbach.
Several seminars clarified some of the nuances and details in the Bible which scholars felt weren’t clear enough. They also helped God become aware of recent scientific and archaeological developments.
“Take for example the Creation story. Although God may have intended for the yôm to be understood as a literal day, God obviously meant each day as symbolic to take into account the many billion years it took our world to develop,” continued Dr. Feuerbach.
“God can’t be so silly and outdated to think the toledot in Genesis 2 justifies considering the Creation narrative as an actual historical event. We may not have been there but the story makes more sense to us. Clearly God meant the Creation story as ancient folklore for the primitive Israelites to understand their origins.”
Scholars took turns lecturing their honored guest and shared their valuable insight into various biblical stories. Another scholar helped God understand the Exodus account which God was unfortunate to mistake as his own action.
“Oh bless his kind soul! He thought he was personally involved in Exodus? I couldn’t help but chuckle at his revisionist history when reading about him supposedly parting the waters for the Israelites. God is suffering from amnesia since he’s obviously forgetting modern scientific principles. I’m pretty sure he meant to say that the winds blew the waters away instead of him. It seems so misguided for God to insert himself into the story like that,” chuckled Dr. Von Harnack, a notable historical critic.
“I also corrected God’s mistaken views about the Decalogue. Supposedly God used his own fingers to write the Commandments on a tablet of stone but we clearly know better. The Israelites obviously copied the Hittite treaties and borrowed from these little laws from their Near Eastern neighbors. For example, the Sabbath law was clearly the result of the Babylonian sabbatu rather than a case of God’s original thinking. Blatant plagiarism!”
The final presentation was given by Dr. Bultmann, a respected New Testament scholar. He boldly challenged God’s fond memories of his son’s thirty years on earth.
“God thought he sent his son as an incarnation of himself to this earth? How naїve and facile! He really thought Jesus died to ‘save us from our sins’ and that he was physically ‘resurrected’? No, what he actually meant was that Jesus was resurrected in the lives of his disciple’s hearts,” chided Dr. Bultmann.
“His life became an inspiration for them to follow his example. There was no physical resurrection despite what God may have thought or revealed. The best part is, Jesus can be resurrected in our hearts today but to talk of a real and historical resurrection diminishes the story.”
Despite their best efforts, God was merely humored by the Symposium.
“It was quite amusing watching all these bright scholars. I was proud of them since they have such vivid imaginations. They may have stretched their imagination a bit too much but it’s alright, they’re obviously very creative and bright. But what tickles me the most is that they think they know more than me. Maybe they can re-write the stories. Now that would make for some entertaining fiction.”
