BY BREVARD CHILDS
BERRIEN SPRINGS-Satan proudly announced the success of the annual Week of Atheism which took place last week. The goal was to torment seminarians and devise a cunning new plan for them to curse God.
They created a Week of Atheism couched in godly, holy and spiritual language to deceive seminarians to mistake this as God’s will and decided to call it a “Week of Spiritual Emphasis”. With that name, Satan intended to weaken the overall faith of seminarians while simultaneously turning them against God.
“Of course, I didn’t want to be obvious about my true plans by calling it a Week of Atheism but the goal was to eventually turn these devout seminarians into atheists. So we decided to adopt the name ‘Week of Spiritual Emphasis’ to disguise our true intention of diminishing faith. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without willing human agents so I’m delighted that several folks from the seminary’s administrative department volunteered to make this program a success,” said Satan.
Satan’s seminary agents used all the spiritual forms and language that seminarians were familiar with to allow them to associate the week with God. Thus, the Week of Atheism took place under the guise of “worship”.
“First, we had to compel them to attend the ‘worship services’. So we made it a requirement to attend two out of three of the programs. Next, we knew that school is stressful enough as it is and that most seminarians weren’t getting enough rest or time with their families. We added to their load by having them attend class half an hour earlier which allowed us to extend the mediocre programs with that extra time,” said Arnold Grotter, who serves a dual role as seminary spokesperson and agent of
Satan.
The Soy Dog asked Grotter what each service was comprised of. “First, we make our tired seminarians watch clichéd and formulaic videos which preach ‘spiritual virtues’ that everyone’s heard before. This is designed to wear them out and make them tune out actual spiritual pearls of wisdom because they simply get used to the same, old mundane status quo. After the sermon, we have them listen to trite, rehearsed and standard testimonies which don’t strengthen faith but cause them to question God’s work in their lives,” replied Grotter.
Satan’s agents also advertised this week to seminarians by insisting that the event “fosters community” even though it strengthened existing cliques and kept seminarians of different races apart. The Week of Spiritual Emphasis also meant that Satan didn’t have to tempt seminarians with other sins since the program actually drove them to vices and sinful behavior.
Meanwhile, God has distanced Godself from the program.
“This is definitely not something I came up with. I would have preferred giving seminarians that time to spend with their wives and children. For those that aren’t married, maybe they can use that time for personal Bible study, devotion or to make new friends in the school. Why would I create a program that would make seminarians curse me?” declared God.
“Now, I understand that we’re working with imperfect human beings who can’t trust each other and insist on documentation. So why not let them post pictures of how they spent their time? Perhaps they can write about their experience meditating upon how I’ve blessed them. Sometimes, we’ve got to realize that less is more.”
