BY STUART ROBERTS
BERRIEN SPRINGS, MI—Police Saturday continued their investigation into the circumstances surrounding the death of the Holy Spirit in the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church.
The member of the Godhead had been visiting the church for some time, and had given indication that he wished to become a permanent member. But he was found Friday afternoon, slumped over a remote wooden pew at the top of the church’s overflow balcony. Members eventually called 911, and the Holy Spirit was rushed to Lakeland Hospital, where doctors pronounced him dead at 4:58 pm. The Holy Spirit’s identity was confirmed by several children of the church, and by God the Father and Jesus Christ.
Police are awaiting the coroner’s report prior to releasing an official statement, but among the public, and especially among neighbors of the church, speculation runs rampant that the demise of Holy Spirit was a result of foul play by the church’s predominantly conservative, Caucasian membership.
“That church hates visitors,” says Betty Franco, who lives across the street from the church. “They ignore you if they think you are Adventist, and then condemn you if they find out you aren’t.”
Franco suspects that members killed the Holy Spirit when they found out he didn’t want to become an Adventist—how could he look forward to the second coming of himself?—but that he wanted to continue attending the church for a while.
Isaiah Green, a member of the Trinity Temple Seventh-day Adventist Church who once visited Berrien Springs, notes that the Berrien Springs SDA Church seemed to have a strange fascination with death.
“At our church, we shout and sing and celebrate God, and all our members tell stories and affirm each other. We’re full of love,” says Green. “Their church, it reminds you of a funeral, the way they dress, sing, talk, and look at each other. You’d expect Doom himself to be seated on the platform.”
Former members of the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist Church note aggressive streaks in the past. In 2002, three members were hospitalized when a Renovation Committee debate over faucets turned violent. In 2005, a member who suggested changing the order of worship went missing, a case that is still open.
Suspicions haven’t been helped by reactions of the members themselves, many of whom display bemusement instead of remorse.
“Of course the *ahem* accidental death of the Holy Spirit in our church is unfortunate,” said Oscar Stubbs, a lifelong member of the church. “But you got to remember, that guy was a manipulative nuisance. Always trying to get people to change, act different. Wouldn’t leave you alone until you forcibly ordered him away.”
Among the membership of the church, only the children have shown grief over the death, noting that the Holy Spirit was a friendly being who taught them how to treat others well, how to tell others about Jesus, and made church fun.
God the Father and Jesus Christ have so far declined to use their omniscience to assist detectives in this case, citing their preference to work through humans instead. They have released a statement, however, in which they assert that the Holy Spirit was not trying to bring dance, wavy hands, and speaking in tongues to Berrien Springs. “There’s no need to speak in foreign languages when you’re struggling to express the gospel among yourselves in your own native language. All he wanted to do was to help them love each other and enjoy worshipping.”
The body of the Holy Spirit is currently at the Berrien County Morgue. Members of the Berrien Springs Seventh-day Adventist church have voluntarily stood guard at the facility, to ensure that disciples of the Holy Spirit do not tamper with or steal the body.
