BY JANELLE ORCZY
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Citing reasons of “Practical Ineptitude,” Sandra Danielson, wife of recent Seminary graduate Brian Danielson, has filed for divorce less than one month after the couple’s marriage.
According to the filing, Brian displays an unbalanced ratio of theory to practicality that makes household life intolerable for anyone in close proximity.
“Husband demonstrates strong propensity toward providing theory and analysis, while simultaneously, through ineptness or sheer stubbornness, refusing to take practical action,” reads the filing.
Ms. Danielson can readily provide several examples of household life while married to Mr. Danielson.
“I’d ask him to take out the garbage. He’d respond with a complete parsing of the word garbage, and a report of the amount of times I’ve used it in our marriage. I’d repeat the request. He’d give me a complete analysis of the context of my request. I’d repeat again. He’d query if my request was for the current time only, or whether it would have a secondary, future fulfillment. I’d say, ‘Honey, pull out the lousy trash bag from the kitchen trash and go dump it in the bin in the garage!’ He’d quiver, look scared and uncertain, and run away.”
Another time, Mr. Danielson analyzed the pericope that preceded Ms. Danielson’s request that he open a jar of pasta sauce, before suggesting a conclusion about what she was really trying to say, Ms. Danielson alleges. She further claims that Mr. Danielson was unable to open the jar in the end.
“He used to be such a practical man,” Ms. Danielson recounted. “What did the Seminary do to him?”
According to Ms. Danielson, the last straw was seeing Mr. Danielson’s idiosyncrasies function in church.
“He was asked to do a baptism during the church service, followed by a wedding in the afternoon, and a funeral the next day. You can pretty much guess what happened,” said Ms. Danielson.
