BY LASSANA ALIOU
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Researchers cataloguing wildlife in the Andrews University Bulletin were shocked Monday by the discovery of MSSN, a small, strange beast that they had hitherto overlooked in their studies. The discovery happened at 10:21 pm on Monday evening, during a routine perusal of the Bulletin in preparation for the completion of the study.
“To say I was excited is an understatement," said Justin Borges, who has been studying the Bulletin for the past three years. “In fact, I was pretty near swearing.”
Borges had, along with other researchers, assumed that their time in the Bulletin was all but complete. Under the terms of their contract, they may not leave the Bulletin until they have completed a thorough study of all native beasts.
“Just when I thought I had catalogued and studied all the creatures in here, and I'm ready to wrap up and get out, I discover this little thing. Talk about an unpleasant surprise,” said Borges, who looked like he hadn’t showered for a week, eaten for a month, nor slept for a year.
The beast, codenamed MSSN, is diminutive, measuring only six credits long in the Andrews Bulletin. Its small size may explain why researchers had overlooked it throughout the years. Average-sized beasts like OTST and NTST are easily spotted all over the Bulletin, and even the smaller THST is hard to miss. And of course there’s the behemoth, CHMN, which measures 31 credits long, a size that commonly invokes despair into the hearts of new researchers.
According to Borges, he and a group of fellow researchers had completed studying CHMN only recently.
“Believe me, it took us years to catalogue and master all the habits of that monster,” said Borges. “OTST, NTST, and THST exhibit some complex cognitive behavior, but they are fairly small, efficient, and easy to observe, as is GSEM. CHMN is just this bloated mass of flesh and filler that took us years to completely catalogue.”
Researchers, most of whom are working under dwindling funds, are now rapidly scrambling to complete a study of MSSN before their resources expire. They face the prospect of an additional four-to-eight months of study, depending on when the beast chooses to reveal itself.
“I've been camping out here in this godforsaken wilderness for three years,” said Melanie Black, another third-year-researcher. “I miss civilization. I miss humanity. I miss my family and friends,” added Black, as she wearily began to track the nesting areas of MSSN. “I was so eager to get out of here. A curse to this last minute surprise.”
Rangers in the Bulletin have expressed no sympathy to the researchers’ situation.
“Of course we knew about the existence of MSSN, but it's the researchers’ responsibility to hunt through and make sense of this jungle on their own,” said Arnold Grotter, the Bulletin's chief ranger. “We don't believe in academic planning and advisement. Our researchers finish on time based on a combination of luck and self-guidance.”
For Borges, Black, and other researchers, it appears those two qualities have failed them. But they can see a silver lining in the cloud.
"Just yesterday I stumbled across an old, withered researcher that had been stuck in the Bulletin for the last five years," said Borges, "So I guess it could be worse."
