BY RED FISH
CHICAGO, IL—A conservative vigilante Adventist group concerned with holding leaders within the Adventist church accountable is reporting great success after utilizing the skill of a voodoo priest to curse their liberal enemies.
Members of Hold Them Accountable (Because Truth Matters) were ecstatic to receive reports of great suffering among two leaders of Adventist Today and five contributors to Spectrum Magazine after Voodoo Priest Anju Decimus invoked a spell upon their photographs. After calling on the power of the Loa, Decimus distorted photographs of his opponents into various positions on the Hold Them Accountable website at adventisttruth.webs.com. The result was excruciating pain and discomfort.
J. David Newman, an editor of Adventist Today, and Ervin Taylor, the magazine’s Executive Publisher, whose photos Decimus turned sideways on the website, have both reported splitting headaches, a loss of balance, and a persistent neck twitches which continually jerk the head to one side.
Jared Wright, pastor at the Arlington SDA Church, whose photos Decimus turned sideways three times, twice under the category “Spectrum” and once under the category “Trojan Pastors”, reported intensified versions of the above symptoms, along with a strange propensity to scuttle sideways like a crab.
The Spectrum contributors, Harold Weiss, Charles Scriven, James Coffin, and Alexander Carpenter, have the most distressing symptoms. Decimus inverted their photos on the Hold Them Accountable (Because Truth Matters) website. All are currently unconscious and undergoing treatment in the Intensive Care Unit at Loma Linda University Medical Center, with stroke-like symptoms resulting from an overabundance of blood in the brain. The symptoms have doctors baffled.
“The blood just keeps rushing to the brain. It’s as if they’re being held upside down all the time,” said Dr. Lars Larson.
With four enemies neutralized, and three more disabled, members of Hold Them Accountable (Because Truth Matters), who were motivated by General Conference President Ted Wilson’s Go Forward speech, are celebrating.
“We held them accountable, and took them down! God Bless Anju Decimus!” the editors wrote on their website Monday.
Decimus’s latest curse is invoked in a section called “Deep Throat” on the website. In that section, visitors can submit information that they have about Adventist leaders who are unfaithful and need to be held accountable.
“You do not want to know what it’ll feel like around your mouth and throat if your name gets submitted,” said Decimus.
Hold Them Accountable is strongly recommending that groups with goals similar to theirs make use of Decimus’s skills.
“Many other Accountability websites, such as educatetruth.com, have the same goals as us, but only we have succeeded in taking liberals out of commission,” said the editors, “As such, we are unanimously recommending the use of voodoo practices against those we wish to destroy. If we don’t remove the tares from the wheat, who will?”
