BY JOSEPH HELLER
BERRIEN SPRINGS—The Andrews University Undergraduate Community silently and solemnly marked its 51st annual Ritual of Seminarian Appeasement on Monday night, sacrificing twelve of their young virgins to the Seminary, to become spouses for the Seminarians.
Members of the community, all white-robed and bearing candles, assembled in formation on the International Flag Mall to witness the passing of the sacrifices. The sacrifices, chosen by lot, were first given a sedative to ease their journey, then were led by AUSA officers from the residence halls to the north side of the Seminary, where they were chained to the pillars at the top of the stairs. In acknowledgement of changing demographics and demands from female Seminarians, this year the collection of those sacrificed included one male undergraduate student.
As is custom, as soon as the sacrifices were secured, all members of the community extinguished their candles and quietly dispersed. While leaving, many of the members whispered prayers of petition to the Seminarians, that they accept the sacrifice.
“Our undergrad community has been doing this every year since the Seminarians first came here in 1959,” said Allison Hughes, a junior nursing student. “If we don’t, the Seminarians rage and rampage across campus, spreading theological and social disaster wherever they go. To see them descend like locusts onto any campus event that offers free food; to hear them shout and clamor for attention and adoration and listeners for their opinions at campus social events; to witness them hurl forth their curses at each other and everyone else on the athletic fields, oh God, we can’t live like this! The only way we can stop a raging Seminarian is to provide him or her with a spouse."
The undergraduate community does what it can to make the process as painless as possible for the sacrifices, injecting into each one of them a cocktail of drugs that improves musical and teaching abilities, and nullifies any sense of injustice that might arise when they realize that churches treat them as secondary, unpaid ministers.
However, such efforts fail to mollify some students, especially the close friends of the chosen. As they departed on Monday night, these students were unable to control their grief, and sobbed openly.
“It’s not fair,” cried Jessica Germain, a sophomore education major whose brother was chosen to be the male sacrifice this year. “Every year there are more and more Seminarians, and as if the male ones aren’t bad enough, now there are the females! I keep praying for God to send us a Hero who will do battle with the Seminarians, defeat them, and cast them from campus.”
AUSA acknowledges such sentiments. In a written statement, the president offered a $10,000 reward and his own sister in marriage to anyone who managed to accomplish such a goal.
“But until such a person arrives, what choice to we have?” the statement concluded.
In the morning, the sacrifices had vanished from their chains. The Seminary was quiet, and the campus at peace.
