BY SAMUEL CLEMENS
BERRIEN SPRINGS—In what the Berrien Springs / Oronoko Police Department is calling “the most gruesome crime this town has ever seen,” an elderly Asian man was apparently dismembered, bronzed, and mounted onto a pedestal in the middle of the Chan Shun Hall Foyer on Sunday night. Students entering the building on Monday morning stumbled upon the horrific sight.
“I was heading into Econ 101 in the large classroom downstairs when I was like, what’s that? Then I was like, OH MY AHHHHH!” said Ashley Thorman, a first-year business student.
The perpetrator appears to have sliced off the two arms and everything below the chest, leaving the head and a wedge-shaped torso. The perpetrator then appears to have dipped the remains in bronze and mounted them to the pedestal. The Berrien Springs / Oronoko Police Department has dispatched its forensics team to the scene, and is employing cadaver dogs in attempt to locate additional remains. As of the time of writing, details about the victim, killer, and motive remain scarce.
“The name ‘CHAN SHUN’ is engraved on the pedestal, so we are following that lead at the present,” commented Detective Luis Orthello of the Berrien Springs / Oronoko Police Department.
“We are still investigating possible motivations. If the killer had bronzed the entire body, and struck it in a noble pose in the foyer, we’d say that the motive was to honour the victim, or maybe promote idolatry, albeit in a tasteless, unnecessary, and twisted way,” said Decretive Orthello. “But as it is, all we have is horrific randomness—a bronzed head and torso stuck on a wooden pedestal in the middle of the room.”
Students are experiencing a high degree of shock and emotional trauma from the situation.
“The pastor last Sabbath preached on Mark 6:14-29—the story where Herod gives Salome the head of John the Baptist on a platter,” sobbed Thorman. “Then I come into Chan Shun Hall and see this!”
Due to the ongoing investigation, the Police Department and Andrews University have so far declined to remove the remains, which can still be seen in its mounted totality by all visitors to the building.
