BY KURT VONNEGUT
BERRIEN SPRINGS—Weather Joke sits nervously in her rocking chair at the Berrien Springs Hospice, worried that university speakers intend to drag her out of her comfortable retirement into the spotlight once more. Far in the past, she enjoyed an illustrious career, due to her unique ability to lampoon the harsh Michigan weather. But as in most careers, she found herself in decline after convocation speakers squeezed every ounce of humor out of her. So she gladly took her bow and was content with a graceful exit out of the spotlight. However, with each start of a new school year it appears speakers and pastors have other intentions.
“It’s usually around this time of the year when I get anxious because of what some speaker might do,” said Weather Joke. “Inevitably, someone from the school comes here, yanks me out of my deathbed and drags me to Convocation, where I’m tossed in front of a bored and pessimistic crowd to get the obligatory but insincere giggles. How much more do I have to tell them, I’m not funny anymore? I’m old and worn out; please let me die a peaceful and quiet death. I just want to rest in the Lord and await for resurrection morning when I will become a fresh joke once more.”
Speakers continue to turn to Weather Joke’s services because of her cheap services and ability to draw crowd sympathy.
“Every time I give the annual Convocation speech, I know that I’m guaranteed some laughs by bringing up the weather. Look, the first name that comes to mind to amuse the crowd is Weather Joke. She’s just like Betty White—she’s old and was once funny but she’s also money so I’m going to keep drawing from that well,” declared Steve Eisner, university vice-president for student affairs.
But Weather Joke complains of fatigue and begged for Eisner to reconsider.
“Please stop calling me! We had some good times together, we shared some laughs but we’ve all grown tired. Like some relationships, you’ve got to know when to pull the plug. Why can’t they let me retire on a high? Besides, don’t think I can’t see through their desire for audience approval and affirmation. I refuse to be a victim of their intellectual laziness and inability to find new ways to humour their audience. Enough!” pleaded Weather Joke.
“Who do they think I am? Brett Favre? Just when you thought I was done, they bring me back. Sometimes, you just have to know when to end a good thing. Every time no one has anything good to say, they simply turn to me to kick-start their dead conversations. I’m through!”
Husband of One Wife, May God Bless the Reading of His Word, God is Good-All the Time, and Good Morning Saints of the Living God have joined the swelling chorus begging to be left alone to die in peace. Thursday’s University Convocation will provide a telling indicator if speakers wish to prolong their misery.
