NEW YORK—The United Nations Monday approved the creation of a peacekeeping mission to end the globe-spanning civil war between conservatives and liberals in the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
Direct requests for such a mission came from the leaders of at least 150 countries where Adventist work is established, where the continual clamor and bombardment of conservative Adventist institutions by liberals, or vice versa, has only exacerbated troubles brought on by the enormous, global natural disasters of the last year. In a surprising show of global unity, leaders from virtually every other country have indicated support as well.
The mission received unanimous votes from all 15 members on the Security Council.
Per UN policy, rules of engagement governing the actions of the peacekeeping forces are now being established. The leading proposal, developed with advice from a coalition of world church leaders led by His Holiness John Paul III, involves controlling and limiting Adventist Sabbath services and disabling the ability of both sides to purchase supplies. Proponents argue that such actions will effect the immediate cease of all hostilities within the Adventist Church. Sources have indicated that this proposal will likely pass within two days.
A coalition of peacekeepers, led by United States forces, are mobilizing and preparing to deploy. Enthusiasm among the force is high, as soldiers contrast today’s atmosphere of global solidarity to the fragmented, plague-filled, disaster-ransacked world they have known over the past year. Heck yeah! Let’s go get some action! Seems to be the prevailing sentiment.
Liberal and conservative Adventists, which collectively make up the majority of the church, remained too focused on killing each other to comment.
At press time, the few remaining moderate Adventists who tried to focus on Jesus, obeying his commandments, loving all, dialoguing politely, and ignoring taunts of opponents, were quietly packing their belongings, along with a surprising number of other Christians and members of other faith groups.
