December 08, 2010

July 27, 2055: Moderates Suffer Casualties in Adventist Civil War

SILVER SPRING, MD—The number of moderate, lay Adventist casualties continued to climb in the first half of the year. The increase in deaths has been attributed to continuing cross-fire between liberals and conservatives, killing innocent bystanders.

In its midyear report, the ADRA Assistant Missions said the number of moderate, lay Adventists killed through indiscriminate bombing after neither side were able to sit at the same table to broker a deal for a cease fire. ADRA spokesperson, Charles Sandefur, blamed both parties for failing to negotiate.

“This is a wake-up call for us. Both sides are placing doctrines and ideas over people. They’re not killing each other, they’re killing those who don’t take sides and are just trying live faithfully each day,” said Sandefur.

The report also noted an increase in the use of intimidation and character assassination of the moderate population. Sandefur had further harsh words for the conduct of conservatives and liberals in the conflict.

“Every day, thousands of moderate Adventists are afraid to speak up for fear that they’ll end up torched in some ‘accidental’ bombing by either side. Their petty war destroys homes and churches. What’s worse, they then try to recruit their children to continue their dirty games to keep perpetuating this battle.”